Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
Mrs. Van Ransonhoff
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale
Jed: I didn't know you had a flu serum.
Granny: Course. I just run off a new batch last Friday.
Jed: Are you talkin' about your corn squeezin's?
Granny: I'm talkin' about the greatest, all-purpose, miracle medicine ever developed. Possum Ridge Penicillin.
Jed: Also known as White Lightenin'.
Granny: Folks call it lightenin' cause it gets into the blood stream twice as fast. Now I had a jug here. Now where is it?
Jed: Well I never go near the stuff, lessen I wanna strip paint or blow stumps.
Granny: Fine thing. A lifetime of medical research down the drain.
Jed: Yeah. It's dandy for unclogging drains too.
(Granny comes in the kitchen to see Fairchild drinking)
Granny: I'll learn you to drink.
Jed: I think he's got the hang of that already.
Granny: Hit him in the nose Jed. Make him let go that jug.
Jed: And who's gonna make him let go of me?
(Jed enters the house to see Fairchild drinking from Granny's jug)
Jed: Take a look Granny.
Granny: We got a prowler?!
Jed: I'm afraid so.
Granny: Did he get much?
Jed: Bout a half a gallon.
(Elly's bear falls after finishing the jug)
Granny: Shame on you Fairchild; now you's gonna get a whoopin'. Now this is gonna hurt me worse than it does you.
Jed: You can bet on that.
(Elly's bear Fairchild is drinking Granny's moonshine/flu serum)
Granny: Well don't stand there jokin', take it away from him!
Jed: You're the one that's jokin'.
(Mrs. Van Ransonhoff tells Granny she wants to know about the Drysdales, after Granny thinks Drysdale drank two jugs, and Mrs. Drysdale is holding a potted plant)
Granny: Well, his problem is drinking. Her problem is poison oak.
(Jed tells Granny that she said her jug was for medicine, after she called Drysdale a drunk)
Granny: When ya take it by the dose, you're a patient. When ya take it by the jug, you're a drunk.
Elly: Well, you reckon we oughtta stay and see he don't get out of bed?
Jed: After two jugs of Possum Ridge Paralyzer, the only thing that could get him outta bed is a earthquake.
(The Clampetts leave Drysdale sleeping in his room)
Elly: Sure restin' peacefully, ain't he?
Granny: Just like he was rocked to sleep.
Jed: Or stoned.
(The Clampetts find the Jug empty and Drysdale asleep. Granny tells Elly to pull his covers up so he doesn't catch a chill)
Jed: Well with what he's got in him, he couldn't chill at thirty below.
(Jed tells Granny two jugs of her flu serum is enough)
Granny: There's a flu epidemic, and I gotta risk it!
Jed: If the police get downwind of your mash cookin', they'll be more than a epidemic arrested.
Granny: Jed, have you ever had Hong Kong Strain?
Jed: Not that I know of. What is it?
Granny: Oh, ya get it from liftin' something heavy.
(Mrs. Drysdale opens the door to Drysdale's room where he is sick in bed and Claude runs in)
Mrs. Drysdale: Wait Claude, don't go near Daddy! You'll get germs! Milburn, stop breathing! (Covers Drysdale's face with a pillow)
(Granny tells Jed she is going to bring medicinal help to Drysdale)
Jed: Granny, Mr. Drysdale has got hisself one of the finest doctors in Beverly Hills.
Granny: Aw, thank ya Jed.
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