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Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
(Jetor is very upset about his diner not doing well the first day)
Jethro: I don't even feel like eatin'!
Jed: That is serious.
(Jethro is about to give Lois a glass of water when the pipe breaks and the water comes out the top)
Jethro: I gotta find something small enough to plug up the pipe!
Lois: How bout your brain?!
Jethro: Wait till you see the menu! What do you say now?
Lois: Looks like a sixth grader did it.
Jethro: Thank you.
(Granny, Jed, and Elly are reminiscing about Jethro who is at his diner)
Granny: I miss him settin' up at the table and wolfin' down his dinner in thrity second flat.
Jed: He was fast alright. Fastest I ever seen.
Granny: I miss the sound of them big white teeth of his mashin' together, grindin' up bones and gristle. Anything. Didn't matter.
Elly: I liked it best when he ate corn on the cob.
Jed: Ain't often ya meet a feller who eats it, cobs and all.
Granny: What'd I give to see his knife and fork clankin' together again, the sparks flying in every direction.
Jed: He did bring excitement to meal time.
Granny: Didn't matter how ya cook things. Raw or burnt to a crisp. Was all the same to him.
Jed: I believe I can say about Jethro Bodine, he never met a meal he didn't like.
Jed: What's fer supper Granny?
Jed & Elly: Nothin'?!
Granny: I forgot how to fix for three people. I'm used to having Jethro here and cookin' fer twelve.
Jed: Beverly Hills property comes high, but it does seem for that kind of money they oughtta throwed in glass fer the windows.
Granny: Probably that new fangled air conditioning that folks out here is always bragging about.
Granny: I'm sorry I clobbered ya, Jethro. You're part of my family and I love ya. From now on, I'm gonna protect ya from pain, and see that nothing hurts ya.
Jethro: Ah, come on Granny. Will ya knock off the mush?
(Granny starts beating Jethro with her reticule)
Granny: I'll knock yer head off, you!
Jethro: I'm a first class, full fledge fry cook.
Granny: Cook? Ha! The one time you tried to fix me a chicken, ya left the feathers on it.
Jed: Yeah Granny. As I recall, them feathers was the tastiest part of the meal.
(Jed and Granny are having a discussion about her moonshine)
Granny: Well, you said I could keep a little around the house for medicinal purposes.
Jed: How much do you call a little?
Granny: No more than a gallon or two.
Jed: Granny, Miss Jane is looking fer you. Now you go find her and get rid of all that rheumatis medicine.
Granny: Just her and me? Why, two gallons is enough for a whole barn dance.
(Jed tells Granny that Jethro wants to open a restaurant)
Jed: Oh, he oughtta do alright, long as he can stay ahead of his biggest competitor.
Granny: What's that?
Jed: His stomach.
Jethro: Couldn't we talk about this some other time, when I ain't starvin'?
Jed: There ain't that much time in life boy.
(Granny is telling Elly how Jed is telling Jethro to go to the business world)
Granny: He is through leadin' the life of a scholar.
Jethro: You can't tell me nothing about the facts of life.
Jed: Well, that's comforting.
Jethro: Yeah. I'm what cha call a swinger. For instance, you know how I used to think that babies come from under cabbage leaves.
Jed: Yeah, I remember.
Jethro: Well, they don't.
Jed: They don't?
Jethro: No, that's just the story they tell little kids. How they really get here is where the birds and the bees come in. Now ya see, there's this great big bird called the stork.
Jethro: Don't stop me now. At yer age, you oughtta be hearing this. Anyways, the stork swoops down and picks the babies up by the diapers, and then slides them off the end of their beaks down folk's chimneys.
Jed: They do?
Jethro: Yeah. Well that's the bird's part. I ain't quite figured out what the bees did.
Jed: Jethro, I sat down here wantin' to talk about you goin' into the business world. And now, I ain't even sure ya oughtta be let out of the house.
(Elly comes in the kitchen to tell Granny what Jethro did)
Elly: I just found out that old gobble jaws ate this whole stock of Bessie's bananas.
Granny: I hope he didn't leave any of the peels around for folks to slip on.
Elly: No ma'am.
Elly: He ate them too!
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