Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
Drysdale: This whole visit's a phony. The snow is plastic. The wolf stuffed. The wind comes from a machine. The whole thing was dreamed up to keep Granny from going back to the hills, and it's my fault.
Drysdale: I never should have let her talk me into it!
Jed: Ya mean uh, this whole thing was Miss Jane's idea.
Drysdale: One hundred percent. She dreamed up the whole idea.
Jed: Miss Jane. That's about the nicest thing I ever heard tell of.
Jed: Going through all that trouble just to make Granny happy. Thank you.
Drysdale: Now wait a minute, it wasn't all her idea.
Jane: Well, that's true Mr. Clampett. It was his idea to turn the air conditioning down so it would be cold in the house.
Jed: That's the only part I didn't like.
Jed: Granny, this wolf is stuffed.
Granny: With who? Who ain't here? Jethro! He done ate my baby!
Granny: These Beverly Hills winters is short, but they's killers.
(Granny puts a sausage to Jethro's nose, and he eats it)
Granny: I knowed it! I always knowed it! He eats in his sleep!
Jed: Yeah, his stomach might doze off, but that's a 24 hour mouth.
(Jed, Granny, and Elly are examining the sleeping Jethro who just ate a huge snack)
Elly: What's that on his mouth?
(Jed picks the scrap off)
Jed: He's ate the fingers out of his gloves.
Granny: And we's gonna be snow-bound with him?!
Jed: Guess we better sleep in a circle like partridges. That way nobody will have their back to him.
(The Clampetts are planning to stay warm by eating some left-overs in the kitchen)
Elly: I'll go wake Jethro.
Granny: Oh he's up Elly. Come through here about fifteen or twenty minutes ago, headed fer the kitchen. Uh-oh.
Jed: Quick, maybe we can salvage somethin'.
(Mr. Drysdale is on the phone arranging the snow storm for the Clampetts)
Drysdale: I want a wolf outside every door. No Larry, not your nephew. I want the kind of wolf with big teeth, pointy ears, long hair. Larry, I don't care if he does still qualify. I want the kind of wolf that howls. Larry, four-footed wolves!
Jane: Listen to reason! For the last time, I'm telling you this crazy scheme will never work.
Drysdale: You swear to that?
Jane: This crazy scheme will never work!
Drysdale: No, I mean swear that this is the last time you'll tell me!
Granny: Califoni weather has took my appetite.
Jethro: Well, it ain't took mine. I'm stravin'!
Jethro: But Granny.
Granny: Go eat some smog.
Granny: We's havin' a family talk.
Jethro: What about?
Granny: About how much we'd all like to go back home to the snow.
Jethro: Not me.
Granny: Who asked you?!
Jethro: You said . . .
Granny: Now, stop buttin' in when ya ain't needed!
Jed: What's everybody doing inside on a beautiful day like this?
Granny: You call this beautiful?
Jed: Look out there. The sun is shinin'. The birds is singin'. The flowers is bloomin'.
Granny: Please Jed, yer turnin' my stomach.
Granny: Fred James, President. That's Jesse's grandson.
Elly: Jesse James' grandson is president of a bank?
Granny: Yeah. It's a good thing Jesse never lived to see that.
Elly: Sure don't have no seasons here.
Granny: Just two: wet and dry. You either got mud or dust.
Granny: Here it is, January, and look outside. What do ya see? The sun is shinin', the birds is singin', the flowers is bloomin'. Enough to make a body sick!
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