Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
(Granny overhears Jethro and Jed talking about the truck outside, and she thinks they mean her)
Jethro: You mean we's gonna keep that old broken down wreck around here forever?
Jed: I don't say forever, but as long as she still workin'.
Jethro: But these cold mornings it takes forever to get her started.
Jed: Maybe, but once she gets warmed up, she goes pretty good.
Jethro: But she's a eyesore. She's a disgrace to the family. Come on Uncle Jed. Lemme just push her off a cliff. Then we can collect the insurance.
Granny: (in the house) Duke, they's gonna do me in for my fifty dollar double indemnity.
Jed: What kind of birthday surprise would that be for Granny?
Jethro: It'd be a great surprise if you lemme give her that little yellow bomb.
Granny: Now he wants to blow me up.
Jethro: Listen Uncle Jed, let's forget about the insurance. It don't amount to nothin' no how. First, I'll strip her of everything we can sell.
Granny: Strip me?! So that's why Jed took my shoes!
Jethro: Then, I'll throw what's left in the city dump.
Granny: Now I ain't even gonna get a decent burial.
Jed: Well Jethro, I realize she's old and startin' to fall apart.
Jethro: That's the truth. One good kick would finish her.
Jed: Nope. Ain't gonna kick her to pieces, nor push her off a cliff, nor throw her in the city dump. When the time comes that she can't go no more, we're gonna ship her back to the hills and give her to some poor kids to play with.
(Granny is racing Jethro, but behind him)
Granny: Come on old timer, catch him for me and I'll take ya to Indianapolis fer the big one!
(Jethro drives off in the new truck, refusing to take Granny to the garage to get the old one)
Granny: I'm gonna cut across and catch him!
Jed: You'll never make it Granny.
Granny: Just watch me!
Jed: By doggies, she's doin' pretty good.
(Granny catches up and jumps on the back of the truck)
Jed: If she can just keep that speed till the next Olympics, we got us a mess of gold medals.
Jethro: Then I'm gonna drop out!
Jed: What does that mean?
Jethro: That means that young folks like him and me is gonna run this world.
Jed: Think I'll drop out myself.
Jethro: You know something, you don't deserve to me have me for a nephew.
Jed: That may well be. But when I see the troubles that other folks got, I grin and bare it.
(Jed sees that Granny got the truck back together)
Granny: Well, the mechanics done it. I just persuaded them.
Granny: All it took was a little sweet talk, and a club about that long.
Elly: You know something, I like hogs better than hippies.
(Elly walks off with the hog)
Medicine Man: Hey, where's my flower chick going with that fat drunk?
Medicine Man: He's having a bad trip man. He's crawling on all fours.
Jethro: He's a hog.
Medicine Man: I'll bet he is. If he beats us to the kitchen, he'll wipe out our eat-in.
Jed: Two heads are better than one.
Granny: Not when one of em's Jethro's.
Jethro: You keep on like this, and we's gonna have us a freak out!
Jed: (points his head towards the hippy) There's one freak out already, and you're on your way to makin' it two!
Jethro: He says they's a bunch of spigots.
Jethro: Yeah. They's a heap of spigotry in this world.
(Jethro pulls up in a new car with a hippy)
Jed: What have you fetched home now?
Jethro: This here's what ya call a dune buggy.
Jed: I mean uh walkin' around the car.
Jethro: Oh, that's a fella.
Jed: I'm glad ya told me. This time I don't think I could a guessed.
Jane: Right cheap.
Drysdale: That's "Chief" as in Indian.
Jane: That's "cheap" as in skate!
Drysdale: I want you to go out and get her a fabulous present, something really breathtaking. And spare no expense.
Drysdale: And while you're out, get her a little something from me too.
Jethro: One of these days, I'm gonna be rich and famous, the idol of millions, the biggest man in the business. And then you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna run away from home.
Jed: Now if you just come up to me and said straight out, "Uncle Jed, could I please trade in the truck for a new car," you'd a had my respect.
Jethro: Uncle Jed, can I please trade in the truck for a new car?!
Jed: Now that's honest.
Jethro: Do I get the money?!
Jed: No, but cha got my respect.
Jethro: Well, see it weren't exactly an even swap. I owe a small cash balance.
Jed: How much?
Jethro: Eighteen thousand dollars.
Jethro: Oh, Uncle Jed, I'd like for you to meet the newest superstar in my stable. A girl whose name is gonna be up in lights from coast to coast. A girl whose name is gonna be a household word. Ms. uh? What was it again?
Jean: Jean. Jean Rivers.
Jethro: That's right.
Jed: Oh well, howdy. I'm proud to meet you Ms. Jean Jean.
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