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Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
Jane: After all the effort I made to find it, I may as well tell you. There is an opening for a jailer at the Teranda Maximum Security Prison
Mrs. Meek: Not anymore. Just took it. It ain't just the money. It's the chance to do something I really enjoy.
Granny: I know why you're here, and I'd like to do something about it.
Mrs. Meek: Okay, shoot.
Granny: Don't tempt me.
(Granny tells Mrs. Meek she can cook)
Granny: Why don't ya do something with these hog jowls, grits, and collard greens?
Mrs. Meek: I don't take out garbage.
Granny: Now just a dang blang minute!
(Granny is trying to ask Mrs. Meek what she does exactly without finding luck)
Mrs. Meek: Anyhow, I don't do polishing.
Granny: Oh, I see. Well, I'll do it. You can start scrubbing the kitchen floors.
Mrs. Meek: Scrub this floor?
Granny: Ooh, yeah. I keep it so clean you could eat off of it. With Jethro around, you gotta be ready for anything.
Mrs. Meek: Didn't they tell you? I don't scrub floors.
Granny: Well, I'll do it. You can commence washing the walls.
Mrs. Meek: I don't wash walls.
Granny: Just the inside ones. I scrubbed down the outside of the house yesterday.
Mrs. Meek: Well, bully for you. I'd just assume climb a wall then wash it.
Granny: Well alright, I'll do them too. You mind beatin' the rug?
Mrs. Meek: No rug beating.
Granny: How bout the laundry?
Mrs. Meek: Nothing by hand.
Mrs. Meek: Uh-uh.
Granny: I don't suppose that you would, uh, no. I'll do that too.
(Drysdale and Jane are trying to get a new job for Mrs. Meek)
Drysdale: Say I know of a good job. As tough as she is, she'd make a terrific guard.
Jane: Oh Chief, not a guard at the bank?
Drysdale: No, for the Los Angeles Rams.
Jane: Why didn't you fire Mrs. Meek?
Drysdale: For a good reason. I'm afraid of her.
Jed: Now leave some for Mrs. Meek to do.
Granny: Well, where is she? I ain't seen her since she got here yesterday, and it don't look like she's comin' down today neither. It's purt near six o'clock.
Jed: We'll never forget ya fer what ya done.
Drysdale: Probably not. But try.
Granny: If I'm gonna get a housekeeper, I wanna clean the house 'fore she gets here.
(Granny is yelling at Drysdale about getting a maid while Jed and Jethro are yelling)
Granny: Ain't no more than forty four rooms in this whole place!!! What is there for a housekeeper to do?!!!
Jethro: She sounds as mad as ever. It's a wonder Mr. Drysdale was brave enough to go on in there
Jed: He wasn't. Not until I got Granny calmed down.
Jethro: Well, how'd you do that.
Jed: With a little talk and a lot of rope.
Drysdale: I'm taking you out to dinner tonight for this. Yes. Make some sandwiches, and we'll eat in the backyard.
(Miss Jane is trying to get a housekeeper in the Clampett's house so Granny doesn't have to work so hard)
Jane: Please, Mr. Clampett. You might be saving that sweet old dear's life.
Jed: Yeah, see what you mean. Poor Mr. Drysdale.
(Jed looks at Mr. Drysdale, who is crying on the couch, after Jed talked about leaving Beverly Hills)
Jane: The answer is very simple. Granny needs housekeeping help.
Elly: We've already offered to pitch in.
Jed: Yeah, I got time on my hands. All I got is fourteen acres to keep mowed and weeded.
(Jed is talking about Granny's housework)
Jed: We're the only place in the neighborhood that gets its grass shampooed regular.
Jed: Well, uh, Miss Jane, you was up to the house. You seen Granny doing her housework.
Jane: Well, I only saw her briefly. Uh, when I was there, she was in a tizzy.
Jed: Yeah? Started cleaning things I never heard of.
Miss Jane: Chief, are you listening?
Drysdale: How can I? Did you see this morning's paper? It's a tragedy.
Miss Jane: Well, dear, did somebody pass away?
Drysdale: Worse than that. The stock market. American Maiden Muffin Pan is down a quarter of a point.
Miss Jane: And you're crying about that?
Drysdale: Well, you'd cry too! I lost nine dollars and twenty five cents.
(Granny is trying to get rid of Mrs. Meek)
Granny: Now, my share of Jed's money is fifteen million, and you can have it all if you'll just leave and go help some other poor old woman and leave my house keepin' to me.
Mrs. Meek: Fifteen million?! Are you kiddin'?
Granny: Most of it's in the bank, but I can give ya a down payment of what I have in my cookie jar.
(Granny hands her the cash)
Mrs. Meek: Wait a minute, this is play money!
Granny: No it ain't. It's the real thing - one hundred percent Confederate.
Mrs. Meek WHAT?!
Granny: Course, it's all the Confederate I got. For the rest of the fifteen million, I'll hafta give ya a different kind of money.
Mrs. Meek: Great. And what can I buy with this? Park Place and Boardwalk?
(Mrs. Meek is upset about being up at six AM)
Jed: We heard that city folks that lays in bed till eight or nine.
Mrs. Meek: Really? Well, I don't know how to break this to you, but you're looking one that's gonna lay in bed till ten!
Mr. Drysdale: You are not a sweet, little old lady.
Mrs. Meek: Well, stop the presses.
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