Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
Granny: General Ulysses S. Grant is alive and plannin' to attack the Colepeppers' plantation at dawn on Monday! (gets her jug)
Jed: I think you had enough of that.
Granny: Don't knock it Jed. You oughtta see what it's done fer Grant.
(Granny looks through the door and sees Ulysses S. Grant)
Granny: It can't be Ulysses S. Grant! He couldn't live this long, especially the way he hit the bottle.
Grant: I'm so dizzy I'll never be able to get on that horse.
Granny: It's him!
Granny: Have you ever hear of Belle Boyd? The beautiful Confederate spy.
Elly: No ma'am.
Granny: Well, she proved that a perty face and a stunning figure could ALWAYS loosen them Yankees' tongues. You know what I mean?
Elly: Yes ma'am!
Granny: Well good. You stay here and finish the dishes, and Jethro will drive me down.
Granny: Them Yankee's meant it.
Elly: Meant what Granny?
Granny: Fer years they've been mutterin' "The North Will Rise Again."
Elly: He's come back fer it Granny! His conscious is hurtin' him.
Granny: More likely his stomach is hurtin' him. He ain't ate in two hours.
(Jethro runs into the kitchen and slides towards the fridge)
Granny: See? Right to the ice box.
Elly: Can I please come along?
Granny: No honey. In the dangerous game of toying with a man's emotions, there's no substitute for experience. And I need all I can get. It's been a long time.
Elly: Well, couldn't I just watch and see how ya vamp a fella?
Granny: On one condition.
Elly: What's that?
Granny: The tricks I learn ya can drive a man stark-ravin' mad. Ya gotta promise to only use em in the defense of yer country.
Elly: I promise.
Elly: Well, I best go put on a dress. I wouldn't want em to think I was a boy.
Granny: It beats me how the South won with girls like that.
Jethro: Can't you convince her that the Civil War is over and that the South lost?
Jed: No I can't, and I ain't gonna try. At my age, a broke leg don't mend too fast.
Jethro: Uncle Jed, I can't show up at the Army Reserve lookin' like this! What are they gonna think?!
Jed: Well, I'll tell ya one thing. You ain't gonna be just another face in the crowd. Bet cha it ain't everyday they get a boy in a Confederate uniform totin' a squirrel rifle that shoots lady fingers.
Jethro: Uncle Jed, what am I gonna tell em?!
Jed: Tell em the truth. Tell em ya wore it to please a sweet, sentimental, little old gray-haired Granny who'd break yer leg if ya didn't.
Jethro: Hey, would ya look at this! What is it Mr. Drysdale?
Drysdale: That, my boy, is a Money Man piggy bank. You see, he has a hole in his head.
Jane: How true. How true.
(Miss Jane gives Jethro her present for him)
Jethro: Thanks Miss Jane. What is it?
Jane: It's a pin-up picture of me.
Drysdale: Please, not while we're eating.
Drysdale: What are you giving him Elly?
Elly: Oh, I made his a whole box of lady fingers. He likes to snack between bites.
Jane: You means between meals?
Elly: Not Jethro.
Miss Jane: What was Jethro carrying?
Jed: His breakfast. He ain't one to let savin' his life stand in the way of eatin'.
Granny: "Mr. President, Members of Congress, Fellow delegates, Honored guests, distinguished visitors."
Elly: What's wrong with her?
Jed: Nothin'. She's been readin' speeches all week.
Granny: "I think Thomas Jefferson expressed the emotions of all of us when he said, "Roll in flour, salt to taste, fry in deep fat.""
Jethro: Bring it on Granny!
Granny: Oh. That's my directions fer fryin' chicken.
Jed: Keep goin' Granny. You're the first one to get his attention.
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