The Big Bang Theory Season 1 Episode 11

Sheldon: (handing Leonard a measuring cup) Put this in the bathroom.
Leonard: What for?
Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren't shutting down.
Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this!
Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn't have ten seconds to make one that said "urine cup"?
Sheldon: (flips the measuring cup over to show Leonard) It's right here on the bottom.
Leonard: Huh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology.

Leonard: How was Nebraska?
Penny: Oh, better than North Dakota! (pause) I guess that joke's only funny in Nebraska.
Sheldon: From the data at hand you really can't draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.
Penny: Boy, it's good to be back.

Sheldon: If influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear, it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, Homo habilis would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.

Penny: You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon!
Leonard: Come on, I had to. You've seen what he's like.
Sheldon: (from inside his room) Penny? Penny, I'm hungry!
Penny: It's okay, sweetie! Good news! Leonard's home!
Leonard: No!
(Penny hands him a small bottle of Vick's VapoRub)
Penny: Here you go. Good luck.

Sheldon: Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finaly managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means, 'Would you like an enema?'

Leonard: Alright, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids.
Sheldon: What else would I drink? Solids? Gases? Ionized plasma?
Leonard: Drink whatever you want.

Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: Argh, again?
Sheldon: Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be your speed.

Sheldon: (to Leonard on 3D chess) It must be humbling to suck on so many levels.

Leonard: Sheldon, don't you think you're overreacting?
Sheldon: When I'm lying comatose in a hospital, relying on inferior minds to cure me, these Jell-O cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance.

(at The Cheesecake Factory)
Penny: Why didn't you just have soup at home?
Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187. Don't you imagine if there were a way for me to have soup at home, I would have thought of it?
Penny: You can have soup delivered.
Sheldon: I did not think of that.