The Big Gay Sketch Show Season 3 Episode 5

Palwasha: It turns out, Nicole Scherzinger was even less educated than we were. But she was nice enough to leave us with a karaoke machine, which we played with all night. We wanted to sing, Hit Me Baby, One More Time, but we changed it to, "Hit Me Baby, You Are Allowed to By Law." Thanks, MTV!

Palwasha: Hi, I'm Palwasha. I live in Kabul, Afghanistan. Life in Afghanistan isn't what everyone in America seems to think. It's not like we all live in caves. Some of us live in huts. I live in a cave.

This is my most prized possession. This is the shard of glass I won when I was named "Miss Preteen Jalalabad". Actually, I was runner-up, but as part of her prize, the winning girl was sent to Heaven. Lucky girl!

Rebecca: So, Josh, did you know that my sister doesn't even have a Facebook page yet?
Josh: What? How is that possible? I know a fetus who's on Facebook and she doesn't even have a face.

Dr. Devora Schoff, Dyke-ologist, Stanford University: No one knows what makes dykes attack. But let me make this clear, that in my research, I've found that not all dykes are violent. The one constant I have found is that none of them are pretty.

Elisabeth: Can I just please say one thing?
Barbara: I wish to God that you wouldn't
Whoopi: (Whoopi laughs heartily) Barbara, you're so funny.
Barbara: Well, that makes one of us.
Whoopi: Okay, all right. We have to go to commerical, but when we come back, we'll discuss the growing trend of black ladies killing their stupid, white old bitch bosses.