The Big Gay Sketch Show Season 1 Episode 6

Narrator: That's Betty. She's something else every modern homosexual needs - a single woman living next door with no life of her own.
Buzz: We're going shopping for crystal methamphetamine. Want to tag along?
Betty: Sounds better than sitting in my tub, eating Crisco out of a can, praying one of you will love me.

Captain Swaggert: Ye be no woman! Tell it straight, or meet the bottom of Davy Jones' locker!
Pam: I assure you, I am a woman.
Diane: She's all woman.
Pam: Babe, the more you try and help, the more I think about Amy.
Captain Swaggert: Methinks these "lesbians" have just maybe not found the right man, heya, swabs? (laughs heartily)
Pam: There is no right man, Captain Swaggert.
Captain Swaggert: Aye for certain it's just a phase.
Pam: Yeah, I don't think so.

Pirate: Cap'n, there's not a man on board, not a soul.
Captain Swaggert: No men? Pam Tinsely here be the only man?
Pirate: Cap'n, methinks that she, too, be a breast-dangler, sir.
Pam: This is what I am trying to tell you. We are lesbians, women who sleep with women.
Lesbian: We fall in love with the person, not what's in between a person's legs. Souls find souls, Captain Swaggert.

Captain Swaggert: Aargh, me mateys! Ha ha! Methinks we've hit the mother lode! Detain the men and bring up every last lass to the deck and tie them up starboard. Methinks it's time for a bit of a party, eh, lads?
Pam: Uh... excuse me, Pam Tinsley, here, this is my girlfriend, Diane. Can we help you with something?
Captain Swaggert: Methinks you and your bonny lass should steer clear of me hearties here. We've come for gold and a right batch of saucy wenches. (laughs evilly)
Lesbian Tracy: Well, when you find them, send them my way.

Fitzwilliam's Father: Oh, Good Heavens, where has he run off to now?
(over the intercom)
Store Employee: Attention American Girl Place shoppers! We have a missing child. What's your name, dear?
Fitzwilliam: Fitzwi... my name is Marjorie.
Store Employee: And you're missing what now?
Fitzwilliam: My vagina.

Fitzwilliam's Father: I hope Fitzwilliam hasn't been a bother.
Salesclerk: Uh... well, he seems intent on buying...
Fitzwilliam: A vagina!
Fitzwilliam's Father: Fitzwilliam, I've told you repeatedly that little boys should not have... one of those.
Fitzwilliam: But Father, it's all I've ever wanted!
Salesclerk: Have you tried asking the boy's mother to explain it to him?
Fitzwilliam: Oh, Mummy left us ages ago. She said Father was crushing her soul and she'd only ever married him for his fortune, which is now dwindling due to England's oppressive tax structure. So, she moved to Marrakech with a swarthy man who feeds her apricots and keeps a lynx as a pet.

Tyra Banks: Lorelei, some of the judges feel that you have the potential to become "America's Next Top Model." But there are other judges, judges who are not those judges, who don't... think so.
So Endive, i'm sorry to tell you, some of the judges don't want you here. But there are other judges, possibly more, possibly not, who do... want you to stay... in the show... called America's Next Top Model.
Announcer: Cooming up, who will survive into the next round of Tyra's elimination speech? Don't go away.

Frank's Dad: Hey, son! Are there any hotties at the party?
Frank/Gay Werewolf: I made it with a hot waiter.
Frank's Dad: How was his bod?
Frank/Gay Werewolf: Totally Gyllenhaal!
Frank's Dad: That's-a my boy!

Frank: Oh, Nina, it's happening again! Nina, there's something I need to tell you. Once a month, when the moon is full, I turn into... a gay werewolf.
(Frank morphs into Gay Werewolf)
Your lack of a penis makes you invisible to me!

Max: Do you collect porcelain-alia?
Customer: Well, we're just starting out.
Max: Oh, it's a very enjoyable hobby. Just don't get too attached to your precious teacups. You could end up caring more about them than you do your own lover!
Phillip: Then again, teacups don't make out with your best friend.
Max: It was my birthday! I was drunk!
Phillip: Teacups don't leave your mother in Prague.
Max: I told here, "It's a fast connection, Gladys. DO NOT WEAR HEELS!"
Phillip: Teacups don't get fat.
Max (crying): That's because teacups don't have a slow metabolism.