The Bill Engvall Show Season 2 Episode 1

(Bill takes a taste of something cooking on the stove)
Bill: Oh, jeez that's hot!!
Susan: And just so you're not surprised later, the things in the freezer are cold.

Bill: Notice anything about the table, Lauren?
Lauren: We both know that this will go a lot faster if you just tell me.

Susan: And Trent, when was the last time you cleaned your room?
Trent: I would say………..
Bill: You would say what?
Trent : What?

Lauren: Can we just get a maid?
Trent: That's a good one. (Laughing) What would mom do?

(Bill discussing his antenna extension sticker)
Bill: Maybe the sticker has to boot up or something.
Susan: Yeah, that's how technology works, Bill.

(Susan and Bill discussing her new cell phone)
Bill: What were you wearing?
Susan: Just a smile.
Bill: Yeah…And how far down was that smile unbuttoned?

(About cleaning the garage)
Lauren: It's a beautiful day outside; I could be in the mall.

(Talking to the manager at the cell phone shop who has been less than helpful)
Bill: Can I ask you something?
Manager: Yes, Sir.
Bill: How many times a day do you get punched? (Bill walks away)

(To Bryan as he keeps bringing up facts)
Bill: Zip it, Encyclopedia Brown.

Lauren: No cell phone, that means no texting, how am I gonna talk to people?
Susan: How about face to face?
Lauren: Sure, turn me into some kind of freak.

Lauren: If I don't text someone soon, the phone company is going to know something is wrong and send the police.

Trent: I've been alone with my thoughts all night. (Has a scared look of his face) You know what it is like in here. (Points to his brain)