The Bill Engvall Show Season 1 Episode 5

(Both standing arguing naked)
Bill: Nope, I'm standing firm.
Susan: (Looking down) Yeah, not bad for 45.

(Lauren walks into her parents' bedroom and finds them both naked and slams the door)
Susan: Daddy and I were just arguing.
Lauren: we haven't even had dinner yet.

Bill: If you rear end some one it's your fault.
Lauren: I was just driving along and all of a sudden some idiot in front of me STOPS. What else can I do?
Bill: At any point, did you notice red lights lighting up on the car in front of you?
Lauren: (Thinks about it) No.
Bill: Well, there you go; you got look out for those things.

(Sitting down for dinner)
Bill: Trent, would you like to say grace?
Trent: All right, let's bow our heads……Good bread good meat….
Lauren: (Interrupting) Why do you continue to think that's funny?
Trent: Good God let's eat.
Bill: No, no, no. Bryan, please.
Bryan: Dear God, assuming you actually exist, please don't let our vegetables be genetically altered….(Lauren slaps her hand to her head in disgust)
Susan: (Interrupting) Thanks you Lord for the food which we are about to quickly eat. Amen.

Bill: (To Trent's English teacher) Did you enjoy reading Jane Austin?
Mr. Pratt: I enjoyed all of her works.
Bill: Well, that's just gay.
(Susan slaps Bill on the leg)
Bill: I'm sorry; I just meant to think that.

Lauren: Why did you guys choose to have children after me?
Susan: We were young....and stupid.