The Bill Engvall Show

Season 3 Episode 7

The Coffee Maker

0
Aired Saturday 9:00 PM Aug 22, 2009 on TBS

Episode Recap

Bill is in the kitchen fixing the coffee maker with duct tape when Susan tells him it may be time for a new one. Bill is convinced he can fix it with "A little knowhow and a lot of duct tape". Lauren asks if they can just buy a new one and Bill explains that he can but he is a man, "We hunt, we gather, we duct tape". Susan tells Bill that the coffee maker now matches her vacuum, your cell phone and Bryan's sprained ankle. Danny shows up with birthday presents for the kids. Bill asks, "Since when do you care about that stuff" and Danny pulls out money and gives each kid a hundred dollar bill. Bill is a little reluctant to allow the kids to keep it, but Susan tells him it is okay. Danny tells the family that he is buying them a pool and bill tells him no. Danny wants to buy them something and Bill states that they don't need anything. Danny sees the coffee maker and offers to buy him a new one and bill states, "I just fixed that". Danny picks up the pot and notes that there are a bunch of grounds floating in it and Bill states that's the way they like it, crunchy. Danny offers to drive the kids to school and asks Bill to join them as they stop for coffee. Bill states no, he is happy with his coffee and takes a drink. Later at dinner, Susan states she got an email from the school and that they need more auction items. She looks at Bill, who is ignoring her and states if any one has any ideas and all the kids look at Bill. He states he is not giving up his playoff tickets. Lauren reminds him it is for a new computer lab and Bill says no. Paul comes in and gives Bill a book, stating he left it in the car. Paul sees it is dinnertime and asks if he should come back later. Bill notes that the book is the owner's manual for Paul's car. Paul acts surprised and stands at the table waiting. Susan asks him if he would like to join them and he states, "No, I don't want to imposes", as he stands waiting. After a minute of silence, Paul states, "Okay, if you insist." Lauren asks if Paul has anything to donate to the charity auction. The kids tell him people have donated gift baskets, certificates and artwork. Paul states he has an art collection and he could find something. He states he has fine art and beautiful women and Trent asks if he really has the artwork. The next day, Susan, Bryan, Trent, Danny and Lauren are getting coffees, cappuccinos, etc from a brand new machine, savoring them when Bill walks in. Susan explains that Danny bought them a new coffee makes, The Rembrandt, a very expensive coffee maker. Bill is unhappy with the price and explains that he had told Danny not to buy them anything. The family wants to keep it and encourages Bill to try it and Danny tells him it was a gift. After Danny leaves, Bill sends to kids upstairs and Susan asks him what is going on. Bill explains that he feels that Danny is using his money to buy their affections and Susan does not see it that way. Bill states he is giving it back and Susan says that will make Danny feel bad. Susan points out that they don't know where Danny bought it and Bill states he will give it away at the school auction. At the auction, Bryan is worried that Paul has not arrived with his donation and then Paul enters carrying something with a cloth over it. Paul apologies for being late, stating he got lost. Lauren tells him how much they appreciate his donation and then Paul pulls off the cloth to reveal a bust of himself?. Trent walks up and states it is cool sculpture asking if it Don Cheadle. Paul states no it is me and Trent asks, 'You were in Ocean's Eleven?" Paul explains that he was not only the subject, but the artist as well. Lauren asks him what he thinks would be a good opening bid and Paul responds with, "It is hard to say, what kind of a price can you put on God's work". Lauren suggests ten dollars that surprises Paul, who starts raving about the lines etc and Lauren ups the offer to fifteen. Bryan suggests that they let the market decide. Paul likes that idea. A woman walks up, looks at the sculpture and shakes her head walking away. Paul states that she knows nothing about art and Bryan states it is his art teacher. Bill walks in and states he wants to donate this coffee maker and the guy taking the donation is impressed. He realizes that it is used and states he cannot take used items. Bill explains the story and the guy tells him if he stops talking, he will take the coffee maker. Danny walks in stating that they kids told him about the auction and he wanted to check it out, along with Trent's hot Spanish teacher. Danny is there when Bill is given the receipt for his donation. Danny is upset that he gave it away and Bill explains that he asked him not to do it. They argue and then Danny walks away telling Bill he is a butt head. Paul is still trying to drum up interest in his bust and Bryan is helping by stating, "I know it is creepy and disturbing but it's for charity." Paul is upset nobody's bidding on it and is feeling rejected. Lauren tries to cheer him up stating that people sometimes wait until the end to bid on things. Paul starts questioning everything about himself and his decisions. Susan witnesses the melt down and comes over to the kids. They explain that no one is bidding on the bust and then is distracted by some homemade candles for sale. Laruen comes up with the idea that they can use the money that Uncle Danny gave them to encourage bids on the bust. Later at the live auction, it is time for the coffee maker and Bill & Danny are both present. They start the bidding at one hundred dollars and Danny bids. Bill asks him why and he states he thought the family might like it. Bill tells him that he is not buying them that coffee maker and Danny asks, "How are you going to stop me?" Bill bids two hundred dollars. Danny bids three hundred, Susan comes over concerned and Bill tells her not now as he bids three fifty. Danny immediately bids four hundred. Bill tells Danny that he is not going to let him buy his way into the family and bids four fifty. Danny tells him that it is ridicioulous and he does not need to buy his way in, bidding five hundred. Bill explains that they hardly ever saw him for years and now he feels as if Danny is bribing them and bids five fifty. Susan states that there maybe a less expensive way to discuss this. Danny tells Bill that he is jealous that his little brother is doing better then him and bids six hundred. Bill states that is not true and bids higher. Danny and Bill go back and forth until Bill bids seven fifty. Susan interjects with, "Bill, we can spend that much on a coffee maker, especially one we owned an hour ago". Danny bids seven seventy-five and Bill states it does not matter what I do he is just goanna out bid me to rub it in my face that he has money. Bill bids eight hundred. Danny is obviously upset by Bill's last statement and Susan turns to him, "Danny it is your turn", only Danny walks away. The auctioneer announces it was sold to the man who donated it. Susan heads over to the kids and sees that there are several bids on the bust. Lauren shows her that they have attached the three hundred dollars to the bottom of the sculpture and tells them she is proud of them. Susan leaves suddenly to check on her candles. Paul comes back and finds that people are bidding on the sculpture. Later at home, Bill is learning how to use his new machine. Susan wants an explanation and Bill states it is not fair. Bill explains that his whole life he has done everything right, worked hard, went to school and started his own practice. And yet Danny has never worked hard at anything and somehow "stumbles ass backwards into two million dollars." Bill continues that he is the one that has earned the right to buy his family an absurdly expensive coffee maker and Susan responds with, "I think you just did". Bill explains he is not mad but he resented the whole situation. Susan points out that bill has a successful practice, which he enjoys, nice, house and family that loves you and wife that any man would kill for. Bill states he knows how good he has it, but this is a hard pill to swallow. Bill is hanging out in the garage when Danny comes over. Bill tells him that he has not been fair to him and Danny notes that this is a first. Bill tells him that he is sorry and Danny tells him that it sucked. Bill tries again and Danny is still not pleased. Bill tells him that he has been acting like a jerk and that he apologizes for that. Danny is pleased. Bill states he is really happy for him and Danny aggress that he is happy for himself. Bill tells him that he would like Danny to respect his wishes if he asks him not to buy expensive things for the family. Danny agrees and they hug. Danny offers to give Bill the eight hundred dollars for the coffee make and bill tells him that wouldn't be right. Bill offers Danny a beer and then tells him it will be eight hundred dollars. Danny asks if he has change for a thousand and Bill responds with, "No tip?"
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