Robert "Granddad" Freeman
Huey and Riley Freeman
Riley: You do know that light-skinned ho was a ho, right Grandad?
Grandad: What have I told you about cursing?!
Riley: I didn't curse. I said ho.
Riley: I don't see what the big deal is just saying ho.
(Grandad beats Riley)
Grandad: Now I bet you won't say that again.
(Crystal is running after Slickback's car)
A Pimp Named Slickback: Run, bitch, run!
A Pimp Named Slickback: My name is A Pimp Named Slickback. I believe I may have misplaced some merchandise at this residence. There she is. Bitch, I hope you got the moneys for this little vacation you been takin'.
Huey: (narrating) My grandfather, Robert Jebediah Freeman, after many years of misadventures and slight mishaps, decided to take it easy during his last moments in life. So he moved to his perfect house, in his perfect neighbourhood. But he was missing one thing, and that was his perfect woman. For what reason, I have no earthly idea.
Cristal: It's not often a man stops to help a woman in need.
Granddad: Well, I guess, I just can't stand to see a child go unbeaten.
Cristal: (to Huey and Riley) I'm Cristal, like the champange.
Huey: Well that sounds like a stripper name. Cristal like the champagne, might you be a stripper?
Cristal: (giggles) Now what do you know about strippers, little man?
Huey: Not much. But I do know they're named after liquor.
(Riley starts to laugh)
Granddad: (to the little boy's mother) Hmm. He looks like a hand full.
Little Boy's Mother: (weeping) Whenever he's like this, I don't know what to do.
(Granddad watches the same little boy push a few shelves to the ground)
Granddad: Have you ever tried beating his ass?
Huey: (to Granddad about Cristal) Granddad, we don't know anything about Miss Cristal. I mean, we know she spends all your money. We know she eats more than a black hole...
Riley: We know she cheat at Playstation!
Cristal: (chasing after A Pimp Named Slickback's car) I can't go back to school! I can't get no real job!
Granddad: Hold on there, Slickback.
A Pimp Named Slickback: No, it's "A Pimp Named Slickback."
Granddad: That's what I said. "Slickback."
A Pimp Named Slickback: No, it's "A Pimp Named Slickback." Like "A Tribe Called Quest"; you say the whole thing: "A Pimp Named Slickback"!
Granddad: Can't I just call you "Slickback" for short?
A Pimp Named Slickback: No, nigga! It's "A Pimp Named Slickback!"
Granddad: Cristal, who is this person?
A Pimp Named Slickback: Nigga, are you deaf?! I'm A Pimp Named Slickback! Say it with me, now!
Granddad: You ain't gonna hit no woman in my house.
A Pimp Named Slickback: What woman, sir? This here is a hoe.
Granddad: Not in this house she's not.
A Pimp named Slick Back: Let us pray the Pimp's prayer: Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch and guide my pimp hand and make it strong Lord, so that she might learn a hoe's place. Amen
Riley: Amen. Yeah.
Huey: Don't take this the wrong way, but I need you to get the hell up out of here.
Cristal: Oh. Any particular reason why?
Huey: 'Cause you a lazy hoe.
Cristal: I can see that.
Riley: Well I don't see what's the big deal with hoes anyway.
Huey: Riley all women are not hoes. We're talking 20-25 percent tops.
Riley: Ok but if they not all hoes then why do I got to pay to take them out to eat then. I mean I'm paying that's payment.
Huey: I don't know, cause that's just what you do. You meet a girl you take her out to dinner but your not paying the girl your paying the restaurant.
Riley: But I'm paying which makes her a hoe! Why do I just give her the money I was goin' spend on dinner and that hoe can go grocery shopping.
Riley: That how it starts, you know. Takin' bitches out to eat. Meals, and whatnot. Next thing you know, you wake up in a rest haven for hoes. A sanctuary for scandalous skeezes and stunt.
Huey: You're jumping to conclusions! It's just a date.
Riley: What if he marries her?! What if we end up with a ho for a grandma?!
Huey: Tch - Riley, shut your dumb ass up!
Riley: What if we have a ho for a Grandma and she comes to school on Career Day?! Ooh - what if they have kids?! We have a brother, a sister that's half-ho!
(Cristal drinks the carton of orange juice and places it back into the fridge)
Cristal: A full day's supply of vitamin C!
(scene cuts to Huey burning the carton over the garbage)
Riley: (crying and running out of the room) Fake-ass Mariah Carey.
Riley: Game recognize game Granddad, and you're looking kinda unfamiliar right now!
Cristal: I can convince your Granddad in ways you can't.
Huey: Like how?
(pause) Wait, I don't think I want to know.
Huey: (narrating) Granddad was tryin' to turn a hoe into a housewife.
Granddad: Haven't I done enough for you? You don't know what it to be old.
Granddad: (while driving) I bet you won't say it again.
(Granddad starts hittin' him again)
Huey: Watch the road, Granddad!
Riley: I'm just sayin' hoe. (Granddad starts hittin' him)
Granddad: Wow. I've never seen a woman eat like that before. Or a MAN, for that matter.
Huey: Do you realize I'm doin' prostitute laundry?! Do you have any idea of how DISGUSTING that is?!
Huey: (narrating) One thing, though. She sure can run in those heels.
Riley: It's a nigga in the purple suit.
(cuts to scene of Cristal hiding under the table)
"Gold Digger" by Kanye West
Title: "Guess Hoe's Coming to Dinner"
The title of this episode is a pun on an old movie, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.
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