The Boondocks Season 1 Episode 1

Grandad: Sorry Mr. Billy Blanks, but why buy the DVD when you can get the infomercial for free?

Riley: I know about white people, they speak (begins to speak slowly) the whooooole wooooord liiiike thiiiiis.

Uncle Ruckus: (to Granddad) Well Lordy dawdy doo. Looks like we got ourselves the winner for the luckiest nigga of the year award. (drinks liquor out of container, then wipes his mouth) They must think the sun shine out yo ass.
Granddad: Mr. Wuncler's being very nice. Yes.
Uncle Ruckus: They must think you Sydney fucking Poitier. Well I've been working for Mr. Wuncler for twenty years. And I never been invited to the party. Shoot. We won't let me use the front door. But you won't know about that, now would you, Mr. Tim? Oh yeah, they must think your shit smell like spring daisies and cinnamon.

Wuncler I: I'd like to ask some questions, if you don't mind. Are you gay? And if so, do you have a gay lover living with you in the house?
Granddad: Gay?! Me?! No, I'm not gay. Now I happen to think a man looks nice. With good hair and a pony-tail. But no, uh-uh. I'm not gay.

Granddad: (to Wuncler III) Uh, so I understand you just got back from Iraq?
Riley: For real? Yo, what's it like?
Wuncler III: What's it like?! Now what do I say to that? It was cool, there was bitches. Okay they was bitches but a lot of them had, ya know, they was covered in them curtains and stuff they be wearing. But, I digress. It was war. It was war, basically. War, you know what that's like? Muddafuckers be like shooting (imitating a machine gun). Bombs blowing up. And ya know, the shit scared me. It scared the shit outta me. Matter o' fact, I shitted on myself, over a dozen times. And ran out of toilet paper after the second time. So you know what that meant, right? (slight pause) I had to use the thumb, man, it was kinda nasty. But ya know, the good thing about it was they stopped taking me out on patrol cause my name became "Stink Bomb", you know wha' I'm saying? They said I was giving away our position, because of the shit smell. That was fine with me, know wha' I'm saying? They wanted to leave me back? And I was like, (holding both middle fingers in the air) "Well fuck y'all. Y'all go ahead long, cause I don't need y'all anyway. I'm rich, bitch." (notices everyone is staring at him) The fuck y'all looking at?

Granddad: (to Huey and Riley) Who actually got hit with the firehoses ain't important. Now we're going to this party and your black asses are gonna behave. If I'm lucky, I'll find me a nice, white woman, with a flat booty, who would listen to all of my problems.

(Granddad is in the kitchen wearing nothing but a skimpy towel and realises a carton of orange juice in the fridge was empty)
Granddad: What da hell? BOOOOYYYYS!!!! (echoes twice) Would one of y'all like to explain this?
Riley: (sleepy) Uh, you mean the orange juice or the mini-skirt?

Huey: (to Granddad) We never asked to move with your precious new white people, Granddad.
Granddad: Didn't ask?! Well, you didn't ask for us to be attacked by dogs and firehoses, so you can live here. Cause ya didn't, anyway.
Huey: (sarcastic) Oh boy. There he go again with the dogs and the firehoses.
Granddad: Shoot. We were attacked by dogs and firehoses.
Huey: Were youattacked?
(Granddad doesn't answer)
Granddad: Uh, I don't know what difference that makes.
Huey: Cause it seems the whole generation is trying to take credit for what happened to some people.

(In a flashback, Robert is frantically running to catch up with others during a march. He shows up and they are dripping with water.)
Younger Robert: Oh man. I missed it. Was it bad? Did they… do the thing with the firehoses?
Black Man #1: What do you think, chump?
Younger Robert: Damn. What's eating you?
Black Man #1: A goddamn German Shepherd. That's what's eating me. Where was you?
Younger Robert: I-I-I had to go back to the apartment 'cause I forgot my raincoat.
Black Man #1: You went to?… you?… (turns to others) This nigga went to get a mother fucking raincoat.
Black Woman: I can't believe you!
Younger Robert: We all been watching the same news. The police been doing this firehose thing all week. I just assumed we'd all wear our raincoats.
Black Man #1: Dammit Robert! Who the hell shows up to a march in a raincoat!?
Younger Robert: Bet you wish you had your raincoat right now.
Black Man #2: (charges at Robert with a closed fist) You son of a bitch!

Uncle Ruckus: Oh Lord have mercy. (On walkie talkie) Security, security. We got a code black. Repeat, code black at the main gate.
Security Officer: (frustrated) Ruckus, what da hell is a code black?

Wuncler III: (turns on light in his room) Check this out.
(Scene shows a portion of Ed Wuncler III's room filled with guns)
Riley: (in amazement) Wow. Are those… real?
Wuncler III: Real?! Lemme put it this way: if I picked out of those up, put it to your face and pulled the trigger… will you be dead?

Granddad: Now you may not like it, but I moved y'all out here to expand your horizon. There's a new white man out here. He's refined. For example, did you know that the new white man loves gourmet cheese?
Huey: Wait, I'm sorry. Did you say cheese?
Granddad: Yup, cheese. You give the meanest white man a piece of cheese and he turn into Mr. Rogers.
Huey: Granddad, that's just stupid.

Granddad: (to Ed Wuncler I) Um, would you like some...cheese?
Wuncler I: Did you just offer me cheese?
Granddad: Yes I did.
(slight pause)
Wuncler I: I'd love some cheese. Thank you very much.

Granddad: (before answering the door) Who da hell is that knocking on my damn door? If it's a Jehovah Witness, I'm kicking his ass.

Wuncler III: (gently tapping Riley on the chest) Hey little man, like guns?
Riley: Yeaah!
Wuncler III: Come on. (Ed Wuncler III walks offscreen and Riley follows him)

Huey: And all I'm saying is, Ronald Reagon was the devil.
Man: You are such an articulate young man.
Huey: I'm trying to explain to you that Ronald Reagan was the devil -- Ronald Wilson Reagan? Each of his names have six letters? 666? Man, doesn't that offend you?

Priest: Well, you should definitely The Passion. It's an very important movie
Huey: Couldn't see it. White Jesus.
Priest: Excuse me?
Huey: Come on, man. Its supposed to be all historically accurate and they still got a white man playing Jesus? That's some old bullshit.
Priest: Young man, you speak so well.

Riley: Are you sure that bulletproof vest can stop this shotgun?
Ed (Wuncler's Grandson): Yeah, I'm like the Terminator in this vest, yo!
Riley: Are you sure about this?
Ed: Pull the trigger, man!
Riley: Okay. Say hello to my lil' friend!
(Riley pulls the trigger and Ed is shot out the window and lands in the crowd outside)
Ed: (bleep) y'all lookin' at?

Riley: Man, I really liked that house. Oh well. I shot a nigga!

Granddad: Y'all need to start appreciating your granddaddy! I went and spent your inheritance on this beautiful house in this neighborhood! And all I ask you to do is act like you got some class...
Riley: Ay, what's "class"?
Huey: It means don't act like niggas.
Granddad: See! That's what I'm talking about right there! We don't use the n-word in this house!
Huey: Granddad, you said the word nigga 46 times yesterday. I counted.
Granddad: Nigga, hush!

Riley: Why can't we be ourselves? Why can't I be me? Are you ashamed of us?
Granddad: VERY!

Huey: Excuse me? I have brief annocement. Jesus was black, Ronald Regan was the devil and the goverment is lying about 9/11. Thank you for your time and good night.
(riot ensues)
Person: It can't be true!!!
(Huey wakes up from a dream, Granddad smacks him on the head)
Huey: Ow!
Granddad: Mm-hmm. You were havin' that dream where you made the white people riot again, weren't you?
Huey: But I was tellin' the truth!
Granddad: How many times have I told you you bet' not even dream of tellin' white folk the truth? You understand me?
(Granddad begins to walk out of the room)
Granddad: Shoot...makin' white people riot. You better learn how to lie like me. I'm gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now.

Huey: Granddad, you can't tame the white supremacist power structure with cheese!
Granddad: Yes I can!