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The Catherine Tate Show

Season 1 Episode 2

Series 1, Episode 2

Aired Unknown Feb 23, 2004 on BBC Two
out of 10
User Rating
15 votes

By Users

Episode Summary

Series 1, Episode 2
Catherine Tate introduces various new characters for the second episode of the hilarious sketch show. Characters include:
The Frightened Woman - It's a birthday so expect more screaming!
Information Woman - Someone's lost their mother!
Bernie - Irish Nurse that's a little frisky "if you know what I mean..."
Old woman- Confusing someone with Charles Manson.
Paul and Sam - Laughing about a catalogue.
Fly girl (Lauren) - Lauren's not invited to a party.
Death Row Woman - A woman that's going to marry a convicted killer, that's on death row.moreless

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    Rebecca Front

    Rebecca Front

    Documentary Narrator

    Guest Star

    Mathew Horne

    Mathew Horne


    Recurring Role

    Derren Litten

    Derren Litten


    Recurring Role

    Buki Armstrong

    Buki Armstrong


    Recurring Role

    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (6)

      • (silence)
        Kate: You want kids, don't you?
        Ellen: Yeah, one day. We have spoken about it, and it'd be nice.
        Kate: Jenny Topley's just had another one.
        Ellen: Has she?
        Kate: Yeah. Surprised she's got time for anything else.
        Ellen: (laughs) It's not her first then.
        Kate: Jenny Topley? her first? You know Jenny Topley.
        Ellen: ...Do I?
        Kate: Jenny Topley from the canteen, you've heard me speak about her loads of times.
        Ellen: Oh yeah.
        Kate: Guess how many kids she's got now.
        Ellen: ...Oh.
        Kate: How many kids has she got now.
        Ellen: I wouldn't have a clue...
        Kate: Then have a guess. You've heard me talk about her, she's always pregnant.
        Ellen: I really have no idea.
        Kate: Yes you do, come on. Jenny "kids are us" Topley. How many. Just guess.
        Ellen: I don't know.
        Kate: Come on, how many kids does she have now?
        Ellen: I have no idea.
        Kate: Just have a guess!
        Ellen: Twelve?
        Kate: ...Twelve?! ...who has twelve kids? She's a woman, not a cat.
        Ellen: Alright, three?
        Kate: Jenny Topley? Three? She's been pregnant all her adult life.
        Ellen: Five?
        Kate: Five, am I speaking another language? No she hasn't got 5...
        Ellen: Alright eight!
        Kate: Seven. She's got seven kids.
        Ellen:, that's a lot of kids.
        Kate: Yes it is! - (quietly) seven more than you'll ever have, you barren old crunk.

      • Kate: I got my lunch from that new sandwich shop. Avocado, Tomato on Wholemeal, soy and mayonnaise.
        Ellen: Three pound Twenty.
        (Kate gets annoyed because Ellen is right, and finishes eating sandwich)
        Kate: ...Lesbian.

      • Woman: Just on the High street's find. How much will that be?
        Taxi Driver: Uh, about twelve quid.
        Woman: Oh great.
        (Homeless guy starts to wash the windscreen)
        Taxi Driver: No no, it's fine! It's washed, I've ju..oh
        Homeless guy: Just a quick wash.
        Taxi Driver: No, it's clean, please...
        (Homeless man walks off)
        Woman: Oh they don't take no for an answer, do they?
        Taxi Driver:'s unbelievable, every day they do that, and every day, I have to say no.
        Woman: You know what you could do...
        Taxi Driver: What's that?
        Woman: Well you could just get out of your car and just say "NO!! NO!! NO!! NO!! I said NO!!" and then just get his pay of water and sling it right over his greasy, flea-ridden head, and he'll be like "Ow that's hot! Ow that's hot! Ow that's hot!", and then just give him one backhander, one swift backhander right across his steamy red face!
        Taxi Driver: W..well..
        Woman: Hitler-worshipping pikey scum! ...actually just round the corner's fine.

      • Woman: Hi, I've brought this top back, but the shop I bought it from has closed down...
        Information Woman: Oh, bad luck.
        Woman: What?
        Infomation Woman: I hate that, it's exactly the sort of thing that happens to me.
        Woman: Well... what am I supposed to do with this? it's the wrong size...
        Infomation Woman: You could try wearing it over your shoulders with the sleeves knotted?
        Woman: (laughs) No, you don't understand; it's no good to me, I don't want it.
        Infomation Woman: (thinks she's offering it to her) Oh that's very, I don't really think that would suit me.
        Woman: No, I want to take it back to the shop. Do you know where they've gone?
        Infomation Woman: Who's that?
        Woman: The people that run the shop.
        Information Woman: Well if the shop's closed down, they've probably just...gone home.

      • Grandson: Here Nan, have you seen Jean lately?
        Nan: 'oo?
        Grandson: Jean.
        Nan: ..Jean?
        Grandson: Yeah. Have you seen her?
        Nan: Jean 'oo?
        Grandson: Jean. Jean!
        Nan: Who's Jean!?
        Grandson: How many Jeans do you know?
        Nan: I don't know no Jeans.
        Grandson: What do you mean you don't know any Jeans, Jean from over the road, Jean Baker, you went to school with her mother.
        Nan: Oh yes. Is she called Jean?
        Grandson: You know she is
        Nan: What about 'er?
        Grandson: Have you seen her?
        Nan: No, whass 'appened to 'er?
        Grandson: Nothings happened to her, I'm asking you if you've seen her lately?
        Nan: I ain't seen 'er.
        Grandson: You've not seen Jean?
        Nan: Noooowh.
        Grandson: You've not seen Jean from over the road?
        Nan: Noowh.
        Grandson: Are you sure?
        Nan: O'course I'm sure, whass the matter wi' ya? I ain't seen no-one 'av I? I aint seen a living soul, I haven't been oudside mi' door.
        Grandson: So you've definitely not seen Jean..?
        Nan: ..Ohh, I AINT SEEN NO JEAN!! You're obsessed with the woman 'ain't ya!
        Grandson:, it's just that I saw her on my way over here, and usually she's very friendly, but today she just ignored me! Are you sure you haven't seen her?
        Nan: WHO??
        Grandson: JEAN!!
        Nan: Oh yes I seen her.
        Grandson: I knew you had, what did you say to her?
        Nan: ...Aint she got fat! Ohh ain't she fat that woman. 'Av you seen 'er lately? Oohh she is a size!
        Grandson: NAN!
        Nan: argh..GREAT BIG FAT A**. What a liberty! I shouldn't have to look at that!
        Nan: She's got a fat back and all ain't she!
        Grandson: Nan!
        Nan: She's got a fat back, the woman. Great, big, fat, dirty, hairy, sweating back!
        Nan: Ohh no, terrible ain't it; ohhw, that is very unfeminine on a woman.
        Nan: (to Grandson) UH-UH-UH-UH, don't you say things like that about people. Orrhh no. Not at my 'ouse dear, oh no.

      • Woman: Excuse me, I've lost my mum.
        Information Woman: Ohh, I'm really sorry to hear that. It just creeps up at you, at the most peculiar times doesn't it. Did she have a good innings?
        Woman: ..She's not dead, I just can't find her.
        Information Woman: Oh my god! (laughs) Oh I'm sorry, I thought you meant..
        Woman: It's ok, we just got split up somewhere on the way.
        Information Woman: Ohh I see. (continues reading a magazine)
        Woman: ..sorry, is it possible to make an announcement?
        Information Woman: I..don't see why not? what would you like to say about it?
        Woman:, I..I mean, do you have a speaker system or something?
        Information Woman: A speaker system..
        Woman: ..Yes, to make an announcement about my mother..?
        Information Woman: A speaker system to make an announcement about your mother.. they'd probably think that's a bit of a waste of money. Unless she gets lost here on a regular basis..
        Woman: well..Ok, do you have a meeting point?
        Information Woman: Well I know some people meet out the front near the bus-stop, but..they're mainly kids..
        Woman: No I mean do you have a meeting point for lost people?
        Information Woman: ..Well if they're lost, they probably wont find it..
        Woman: (upset) She'll be 83 at the week-end, and I don't know what to do
        Information Woman: ..I wouldn't have a surprise party; she doesn't want any sudden shocks at that age, does she.
        Information Woman: Does she like muffins?
        Woman: (intrigued) What!?
        Information Woman: You know those shops that sell muffins and cookies?
        Woman: I don't know, is there one of those shops on this floor?
        Information Woman: Oh I'm not sure..
        Information Woman: (starts sniffing) ...You can usually smell them can't you.
        Woman: What the muffins?
        Information Woman: No, old people.
        Woman: (on the speaker system) "Attention June Wallis, please make your way to the food cafe, where your mother is waiting for you."
        Information Woman: ...Someone must be lost..

    • NOTES (1)

    • ALLUSIONS (1)

      • Nan: Her husband looks like Charles Manson!

        Charles Manson was the head of the Manson gang which killed several people back in 1969.