The Chaser's War on Everything

Season 1 Episode 1

Episode 1

0
Aired Wednesday 9:00 PM Feb 17, 2006 on ABC1
9.6
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Episode 1
AIRED:
1. Kerry Packer's memorial service and memorial fund. Chris and Craig discuss the televised funeral and memorial to the late Kerry Packer, and then try to collect money for their own Kerry Packer Memorial fund.
2. Mega-Cheese crust pizza. Presenting the latest ad for pizza with more cheese than ever before!
3. Pursuit Trivia This question goes to Stephen Smith, the Shadow Industrial Relations Minister: What is the world's second highest mountain? He did not guess the correct answer: K2.
4. The Surprise Spruiker Andrew introduces his Surprise Spruiker for those who need it most. This week, those receiving his charity are: Giorgio Armani; The Department of Workplace Relations; and The Department of Immigration. 5. A Message from Osama Bin Laden Bin Laden admits he's responsible for all the evil in the world...except for the Up-Late Game Show with the Hotdogs.
6. AWB Corporate box; Big Day Out Sniffer Dogs; Australian flag fashion.
7. This week's subliminal message.
8. The Road to Turin Chris and Andrew are thoroughly practicing their ice-skating for the upcoming Winter Olympics in Turin.
9. Charles Firth in the USA Charles interviews football fans about the Superbowl.
10. In Other News... AWB kick-back scandal; Abortion pill UR486; Eddie McGuire; New footage of Iraq prisoner abuse; Bali 9 execution.
11. Evade Aid A live concert event to raise money for Packer's tax bill.
12. What have we learned from Current Affairs this week? Lesson 1: Dodgy Guys. How to spot a dodgy guy, and dangerous car parks.
13. Mr. Ten Questions This week he meets Hugh Jackman.
14. Danish cartoons on Danna Vale's website.moreless

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

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    • TRIVIA (2)

    • QUOTES (15)

      • The Road to Turin
        Chris: I think what Steven Bradbury showed us is that if you work hard enough and if you believe in yourself strongly enough... and if every other skater completely f***s up, then there's no reason why we can't be Olympic gold medalists too.

      • [Voice-over during the closing credits]
        Announcer: What the Chaser team doesn't realise is that was the final episode of The Chaser's War on Everything.
        The DVD of the series, featuring highlights from the first and only episode, is available from ABC shops under the counter.
        Next week join us for a brand-new series, no doubt starring Penelope Keith.

      • From Evade Aid commercial
        Voiceover: In 2004, the world was devastated by the Boxing Day tsunami. Then, one year on to the day, we witnessed an even bigger global tragedy, with the death of Kerry Packer.
        This Sunday, some of Australia's biggest names in rock are getting together for an unprecedented concert event: Evade Aid. Raising money to help pay the taxes that Packer himself avoided. Join Missy Higgins, Silverchair, You Am I and Midnight Oil - back together for a special one-off performance.
        Tim Rogers: You Am I is incredibly proud to be part of this event. All proceeds go directly towards paying the Packer tax bill, so his poor grieving family don't have to pay for it themselves.
        Voiceover: There's no aid relief like tax relief, so book now for Evade Aid!
        Tim Rogers: Come on Australia, this is your chance to help out those much more fortunate than yourselves.
        Voiceover: Evade Aid.

      • Chas: OK, so in summary, Andrew, what have we learnt from current affairs this week?
        Andrew: Well, we've learnt that car parks are deadly, and the Prime Minister's a paedophile.
        Chas: Well, I hope that's cleared things up for you, Naomi.
        [Clip of Naomi Robson]
        Naomi: Thank you so very much for your generous help. It's a great result.
        [Back in studio]
        Chas/Andrew: No worries.

      • Chas: But, Andrew, these slow, warping men are all very well, but there is no one slower, or warpier, than paedophiles and sex offenders!
        [Clips of Sex offenders from Today Tonight]
        Andrew: No that is so true. Now look at this turtle-paced paedo.
        Chas: Moving very slowly. Now, I reckon this is the reason why sex offenders keep on getting caught. Look how slowly he's moving!
        [Back in studio]
        Chas/Andrew: Get a move on mate!

      • Chris: Now, just finally before we go, there's been a lot of talk lately about these Danish cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammed, and pretty much all of the Australian media decided not to run them.
        Julian: Look, here at the Chaser we believe in freedom of speech and we will not be intimidated by the threat of violence, so as a gesture of solidarity, we have decided to republish the blasphemous cartoons ourselves - on Danna Vale's website.
        [Cut to shot of Danna Vale MP's website, with link reading "Click Here for Blasphemous Cartoons."]
        Craig: Abort yourself out of that one Danna

      • Chas: So, what have we learned this week? Well, first of all, I learnt something about danger. And if you thought the Melbourne ganglands were unsafe, you think again!
        Today Tonight Voiceover: Bingles and bashings - why the local shopping centre car park is the most dangerous place in Australia.
        Chas: "The most dangerous place in Australia." So let's put it to the test, shall we? We've got some footage here of the Macquarie Fields Riots. Now they may look dangerous, but they are nothing compared to Today Tonight's car park carnage!
        (Clips of riot are shown on left, scenes from a car park on the right)
        Andrew: No, that's nothing. Look at that stuff on the right! Ooh look, those cars are... Ooh! Oh, he's reverse parking!
        Chas: Oh watch out, watch out. Watch out, he's honking the horn - and now he's trying to park!
        Andrew: That stuff on the left, that fire.
        Chas: That's nothing!
        Andrew: It's very scary.

      • Craig: In other news, cricket star Shane Warne has denied allegations that he's behind the manufacture of a new abortion drug. The mix-up came after a number of women received text messages from Warne, which simply read "RU4 69?"
        Julian: The conscience vote on the abortion pill, of course, went through both houses of Parliament this week. Interesting to see that a lot of Nationals voted for abortion - of Julian McGauran.
        Craig: Yes. But can we emphasise, Tony Abbot is still opposed to RU486. He supports other ways of dealing with unwanted pregnancies, such as a DNA test.

      • Andrew: [Surprise Spruiking at the Department of Immigration, Multicultural and Indigneous Affairs] Come on in to DIMIA! Direct from Indonesia, huge, huge huge, psychological trauma! Detainees so insane, we can't cover them up any longer! That's right folks these deals are simply inhumane! We've got children, schizophrenics, depressives! That's right, direct from Indonesia, as you can see folks. You might get a quick processing elsewhere, here we take years! Great deportation items! Even our Head of Department's going out the door! The Minister's gone crazy and we've got to shift all the blame!

      • Andrew: [Surprise Spruiking at the Department of Workplace Relations.] Come on in to the Department of Workplace Relations! We've got far too many fair working conditions, and they've all got to go! Contract offers you can't refuse! I mean you literally can't refuse them! Two weeks leave is the most we'll offer! Annual leave, long-service leave, sick leave, it's all negotiable! Bargains, bargains, bargains! Individual, not collective. Come on in to the Department of Workplace Relations! We've got far too many fair working conditions, and they've all got to go! Ordinary working wages, an incredible $12.75 an hour: massively reduced! It's extraordinary, come on in and grab a bargain!
        [Andrew's speaker is carried away by security. Cut back to studio.]
        Andrew: Well, he, err, he sacked me, sacked me without notice.

      • Andrew [as the Surprise Spruiker, at Giorgio Armani] Boutique, boutique, boutique bargains! Here today, at Giorgio Armani! Men's suits ties, leisure wear, from as little as five thousand dollars apiece. Come on in and grab a bargain! That's right shoppers; it's thousand-dollar madness!

      • In Mega Cheese Crust Pizza ad
        Voiceover: Introducing the new mega crust cheese pizza, with our revolutionary five-deck crust. Each layer stuffed with a different type of cheese, mounted on an all cheese base, and topped with ham, cheese, pineapple, cheese, and our famous Italian olives, stuffed with an explosive cheese centre. Even the cheese has cheese stuffed inside it. Order any family sized pizza and receive this two-litre bottle of Cheese Cola, absolutely free. That's the all-new Mega-Crust Cheese Pizza. Also available with double cheese on top. Who said life wasn't meant to be cheesy?

      • Chris: Look, I'm sure, uh, everyone's got their favourite Packer moment. For me, it was always the time when he rang Channel Nine right in the middle of Doug Mulray's "Naughtiest Home Videos" and said "Get this shit off air".
        Craig: It was, it was a fantastic moment. I've always respected Packer's desire to pull shit off air, which is why I spent the past two days trying to get any sycophantic tributes to Packer pulled off Channel Nine.
        [Cut to Craig talking on a phone, watching Packer tribute.]
        Woman: Hello - Channel Nine?
        Craig: Hello Channel Nine, I'm just watching the Kerry Packer memorial. Can you get this shit off air? It is nauseating. I'd rather see...
        [Phone clicks. Cut back to studio.]
        Craig: No luck there. The only piece of shit they pulled off air was Eddie. But, um, sadly they gave him another job, sorry.

      • Newsbar:
        *Dick Cheney apologises for shooting a non-Iraqi
        *Cost of a local call now higher than Telstra share price.
        *New claims: Australian Wheat Board funded Hitler.
        *Utzon describes Packer memorial as "Best use of Opera House since Australian Idol finals".
        *Chaser team couldn't be stuffed doing newsbar for new series...

      • (Talking about dodgy guys on current affairs shows.)
        Andrew: Now, on top of that there are guys that are so dodgy that their unbounded evil makes them warp, like this.
        (Screen warps around dodgy guy.)
        Chas: Look closely at this guy here. He's so dodgy he's actually disturbing the space-time continuum!

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