On the mantelpiece there were two stockings, which read "Stephen" and "Colbert".
Jon: This Christmas means a lot to you, doesn't it?
Stephen: Means everything, Jon. Without Christmas there's nothing to calm me down after Halloween. Those ghosts are scary.
Elvis Costello: Stephen where are you? Rehearsals are about to start!
Stephen: Elvis, I'm trapped in my cabin. There's a bear outside!
Elvis: Stephen that's terrible, everything's ready to go. The children are dressed up like elves, the dwarfs are dressed up like children, it's magical!
Stephen: Elvis, I'll get there as soon as I can, you have to stall for me.
Elvis: I'll do my level best. Oh look! The reindeer have arrived.
Stephen: Guess what Elvis? That's actually a goat with antlers.
Stephen: This is my favorite time of the year.
Toby Keith: Me too. You know, not everyone loves Christmas like me and you.
Stephen: Tell me about it.
Toby: I will. You know sometimes I go to the department store and instead of saying Merry Christmas they say Happy Holidays.
Stephen: I know, sometimes I'll go to the supermarket and instead of saying Merry Christmas, the cashier will say come back here, you have to pay for that!
Toby: What's the world coming to. You know I've even heard of this one town where they don't allow Nativity scenes on the courthouse lawn.
Stephen: I heard in San Francisco it's legal to marry your Christmas tree.
Willie Nelson: Stephen, right now I'm so high, you're hallucinating.
Feist the Angel: Stephen I'm here to grant your most heartfelt prayer.
Stephen: Oh, that God will make a Oreo with a cookie in the middle?
Feist: No! And he wants you to stop asking for that!
(Elvis Costello appears outside)
Elvis: Stephen? How did I get to your mountain cabin?
Stephen: It's a Christmas miracle! Oh nothing can stop my Christmas special now!
(Elvis gets mauled by a bear, Stephen and Feist start screaming)
Stephen: You're an angel, do something!
Feist: I have no power over bears, they're Godless killing machines! I'm outta here!
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