The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 24

Adam Gopnik

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 12, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes New Yorker columnist and author of Angels and Ages, Adam Gopnik.
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      • Stephen: (using the DaColbert Code) Here's how it works: let's say I want to find out who killed John F. Kennedy. Kennedy...Kennedy Airport...O'Hare Airport...Chief O'Hara...Kansas City Chiefs...Kansas City Royals...King Arthur...Camelot...John F. Kennedy--oh, my God! It was suicide! It's always the simplest answer we overlook.

        Let's move on to something really important: Oscar night. The last time I used the DaColbert Code to predict the Oscars, I got five out of five winners. Not bad, considering I never see any of the movies; I just look at the posters when I'm outside of the theater protesting. Let's start with Best Supporting Actress: Last year, the winner was Tilda Swinton, who was in Michael Clayton...Adam Clayton Powell...Colin Powell...semicolon...question mark...Mark Twain...Tom Sawyer...Diane Sawyer...Diana, Princess of Wales...Princess Cruise line...Penelope Cruz will win Best Supporting Actress! She'll be good with that statue, because she has a lot of experience lugging around tiny men (Cruz with Tom Cruise).

        All right, let's move on to Best Actress: Last year's winner was Marion Cotillard, who played Edith Piaf...rice pilaf...Jerry Rice...gerrymander...mandarin orange...Clockwork Orange...Malcolm McDowell...Malcolm X...X-ray...Man Ray...man overboard...Titanic...starring Kate Winslet, who will win for The Reader, in a truly, truly villainous role. Not only is she a Nazi prison guard, she also reads.

        Next up, Best Supporting Actor: Last year, Javier Bardem, who won for his terrible haircut. Haircut..."cut me, Mick"...Mick Jagger...Keith Richards...Richard Simmons...Gene Simmons...Ace Frehley...ace of spades...queen of hearts...playing with the Queen of Hearts, knowin' it ain't really smart; the Joker is the only fool who is played by Heath Ledger! Warning: if Christian Bale accepts for him, nobody walk through his eyeline.

        Okay, Best Actor: Last year, Daniel Day-Lewis...Emmanuel Lewis...Rohm Emmanuel...CD-ROM...seedy hotel...Eliot Spitzer...(as E.T.) Elliot/...E.T. phone home...homosexual...gay rights...gay rights activist Harvey Milk...played by Sean Penn! NO! NO! No, I won't have it! Hold on, give me a minute. Sean Penn...pen...pen...pen writing words...(starts writing) writing the words...Mickey Rourke will win for The Wrestler!

        The big one, Best Picture: last year, it was taken by No Country for Old Men...Old Spice...Spice Girls...Girls Gone Wild...Oscar Wilde...Oscar the Grouch...trash can...can-can...Cabaret...Cabernet...Merlot...J-Lo...Halo...hay ride..."Ticket to Ride"...golden ticket...gold record...million-seller...Slumdog Millionaire will win Best Picture! Though they could give it to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; it did seem pretty important.

      • Stephen: First of all: ColberT or Colbert?
        Ed Colbert: ColberT.
        Stephen: See you in Hell.

      • Stephen: Now what about Obama himself. It's a photograph of Obama, is there any chance that Obama is being wronged here, because, I'm telling you, that guy's good looking. If you hung him on the wall of an art museum, he would draw a crowd.
        David Ross: A public figure basically cannot control the use of their image. A commercial figure, if someone had a photograph of you and was selling it and they didn't give you a percentage of that, you would have very good case, But if you were a public figure…
        Stephen: I'm not a public figure!?
        David: You are a commercial public figure so you can make money. But if you were running for office you're not doing that to make money….
        Stephen: I did run for office! What? Have you even watched this show!?

      • Stephen: Now Ed, can I point something out? Is that you have defended the AP, the photographer and Obama without distinction.
        Ed Colbert: Of course.
        Stephen: How is that possible?
        Ed: I'm a lawyer.
        Stephen: …Who do you really think is right?
        Ed: Who's paying me?
        Stephen: ….Let's say I'm paying you. Who do you think is actually right?
        Ed: Shepard Fairey.

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