The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 76

Alan Rabinowitz

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 10, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Alan Rabinowitz
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Tonight Stephen welcomes wildlife scientist and author of Life in the Valley of Death: The Fight to Save Tigers in a Land of Guns, Gold, and Greed, Alan Rabinowitz.
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      • Stephen Colbert: As much as you want to stop these big beautiful creatures from going extinct, isn't losing a species here or there just part of the circle of life? (the last three words sung in imitation of Elton John)
        Alan Rabinowitz: Well, you know, extinction is part of the circle of life…every animal that exists today in the earth, on the earth, is part of a natural balance, has a role in the balance of nature…Once the balance of nature is off set, you start finding things such as more infectious diseases occurring in human populations because prey species…are not kept under control.
        Stephen Colbert: Those populations explode and encroach on human development.

      • Stephen Colbert: These elitists have been with us for years. In fact, I recently dug up an educational film I saw back in grade school that really opened my eyes and I hope it opens yours.
        (film begins)
        Commentator: (voiceover) The Prescott Group presents "The Elitist Menace Among Us." Has your teacher ever tried to tell you something you don't need to know, like where to find Europe on a map, what comes after the number nine, or how to escape a burning building. Then, your teacher is an elitist. Yes, an elitist. And it's worse than communist, feminist, and harpist combined. To put it simply, elitists are evil, lying, ivy league, tea drinking, impotent, sex fiends, who are godless. (spells elitisg) Remember, only an elitist would spell elitist correctly. What do these elitists want? They want our brains! To put in our brains that books are for reading instead of for tenderizing meats. Elitists, like astrophysicists and dentists, think that just because they have fancy degrees and years of experience they know more than you. They don't. And when an elitist is elected to public office, they push through their pro-elitist agenda, like monocles for babies. If we're going to stop these elitists, first we have to identify them. Here's how. Look for someone using a napkin, a fork and knife, refusing to swallow an olive pit, or sipping drinks with foreign names like cappuccinos or Filipinos. Once you've identified an elitist, it's time to delete them. First, get them drunk and take them hunting. With any luck, they'll shoot themselves. So, the next time you see someone reading a book or drinking a Filipino, remember they're probably an elitist.

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