The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 5

Alex Kuczynski

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jan 15, 2007 on Comedy Central
out of 10
User Rating
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Episode Summary

Alex Kuczynski
Tonight Stephen welcomes New York Times reporter and author of Beauty Junkies: Inside Our $15 Billion Obsession with Cosmetic Surgery, Alex Kuczynski.
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  • 1.4
    Wow. That was a pretty crappy episode and a godawful guest. Sometimes they hit it outta the park and sometimes they REALLY reach. It'd be nice to find some consistent middle ground. Stephen's segments were funny as always, but his guest was some lady who really should read her own book on what it means to be obsessed with plastic surgrey. In the beginning of the interview he asked if she had ever had any work done, you know to establish whether or not she had any authority to write this book. She begins demurely, but soon is wasting the rest of the episode blathering on about operation after operation she's had done... and it doesn't seem like she's sorry or anything. This is like reading a book by an alcoholic on why it's bad to be an alcoholic. Probably the worst part is Stepehen let her blather on. He usually interrupts the interesting people, but this one he had almost no funny quips to interrupt her. I want that 5 miintues of my life back.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (3)

    • Stephen: I say to you like all kids on Christmas morning...I have a Wii.

    • Stephen: You have been to the moutaintop, seen the promised land, and you have turned up your I-Pod and started playing X-Box.

    • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Victory! Seems like no one has anything good to say about this war anymore, and everyday more and more people are calling the Army quote "broken." General Shoemaker, General Shinseki, General Abizaid, Republican Senator Lindsey Graham, enemy of the state John Murtha, turncoat Colin Powell, they're all on my coward's list. But there has been one unreported ray of sunshine. Last week Secretary of Defense Robert Gates made this announcement: "I'm please to report that all active branches of the United States military exceeded their recruiting goals for the month of December." Eat it peaceniks! Oh, that's right, you don't eat meat and this is Grade A American troop steak. (Serve and turf) That's right the Army exceeded its December recruitment goals by 23%. And how did they do it? Simple: by lowering their monthly recruitment goals of 7,000 to 700. (Army of one-tenth)

      By the old standards December's haul would have fallen 87% short but by the new standards we hit it out of the park. (By shrinking the park) That is good old fashioned American ingenuity and we can use this to win the war. (Semantically) I'm introducing, tonight, a bold new plan not only to surge troop levels upward but to surge expectations downward. ("The Online Dating Doctrine") The President's already doing his part, he told us this victory wouldn't look like the ones our fathers and grandfathers achieved. He said there won't be a surrender ceremony on a battleship, (Bush's flightsuit at cleaners) and he also changed what victory is. (Veni, Vidi, Changey) It used to be remaking the Middle East, now victory is securing Baghdad. (Next, spelling "Baghdad")

      But are we still biting off more that we can chew? Let me tell you a story about my dog Gipper. Used to be, I couldn't control him at all. Now I come home every night and say "Gipper, ignore me and poop on the carpet." I gotta say since I've changed my expectations he has been such a good dog. As long as we're redefining our goals, Mr. President, let's just make our goals whatever is actually happening. (Redefinition accomplished) Then victory will truly be at hand. (Victory!)

      And that's the Word

  • NOTES (0)


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