The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 101

Alexandra Robbins

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Aug 09, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Alexandra Robbins
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Tonight cultural anthropologist Alexandra Robbins, author of The Overachievers: The Secret Life of Driven Kids.

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      • Stephen: The President needs a break. He's like like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don't recharge his batteries, he can't suck.

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Pencils Down. This test proves that somebody's doing a lousy job alright, namely the G.A.O. (G.A.O. = B.A.D.) All their pop quiz did was tell terrorists that our border security is a failure. (13 million illegals not big enough clue) So folks, you know what, tests over everybody, tests are useless. (Except Cosmo love quiz) In fact they do nothing but expose our weaknesses. (More fun to "discover" them during a crisis) You know, if I hadn't taken that stupid eye exam in seventh grade, I wouldn't have to wear glasses. But in exchange for being able to read the chalkboard I became "four-eyes," who was pants and pushed into the girls locker room. To this day I'm still deathly afraid of women in gym shorts. (Why he opposes Title IX) Now another thing about tests, they disrupt the status quo. When someone fails a test it means they gotta do something. They have to study harder or think of a baby name, (Or run as an Independent) exactly bullet yes. Yes bullet. What are elections if not political tests where we make politicians answer a bunch of stupid questions? (Like "Why are we in Iraq?") Well folks, I propose a new test, I say we test the testers. So G.A.O. now that you've revealed lapses in our national security, you've got to answer the following questions. Question one: Are you satisfied? (Kinda scared, actually) Question two: True or False: Who the Hell do you think you are? (True?) And question three: A train leaves Philadelphia traveling at 65 mph meanwhile a train leaves St. Louis traveling at 57 miles per hour. If the passengers on the trains don't know they're on a collision course, won't they be happier? Pencils down.

        And that's the Word.

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