The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 84

Amy Sedaris

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 10, 2006 on Comedy Central
8.9
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Amy Sedaris
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Amy Sedaris, star of Strangers with Candy.

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    • TRIVIA (2)

    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: Barry Manilow doesn't look this good in a suit; this is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: They are actually tonight's Word: Silver Foxes. Folks, the elderly have really got it all figured out: Senior discounts, early bird specials, sansabelt pants everything is easy for them. (Except digestion) Why should I get up an offer them a seat on the bus when I'm the one who's been working all day? (1/2 hour a day) Now sure, maybe they're cute when they're pulling nickels from behind our ears, but now they're trying to pull billions from our pockets with their Social Security checks and pensions. (Got your nose…and healthcare!) Folks, retirement plans are nothing more than young persons tax. Why should we be punished for being at the peak of our physical beauty and sexual prowess? (Are you listening, Charlene?) Plus, having millions of people paying into retirement savings pulls billions out of the economy. And why? To support the elderly in some so-called future that may or may not even exist. (See: Revelations) I say retirement is a reward for only our most productive, it's an incentive, you get to retire when you've done your work. And if you aren't rich enough to retire, you obviously have more work to do. (Pull self up by orthopedic bootstraps) Luckily advances in medical technology means there's no reason the elderly shouldn't be healthy enough to work years longer than they used to. (Oops, your healthcare's cut) You can work all the way up to the end. How noble, to drop dead in your harness like a loyal old ox. ("I've plowed and I can't get up!") Now my mother is a perfect example. She's 85 and she's never retired, she'll always be my mommy. Plus, putting old people to work could solve another big problem: Illegal immigration. ("Hey Mexico, get off my lawn!") If we deport illegal immigrants, who will do the jobs Americans don't want to do? Bingo! As in get those old people out of the bingo parlors and into the fields! (Metamucil doesn't harvest itself) I tell you, what better way to combine the age old retirement hobbies of travel and gardening than becoming a migrant farm worker. Need a landscaper? It's as simple as taking a Jazzy and fitting it with lawnmower blades. More than just sustaining our economy we'll be giving our elderly a sense of purpose, and what could be better than that? (You could call home more often)

        And that's the Word.

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