The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 67

Andrei Cherny

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 15, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Andrei Cherny
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Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of The Candy Bombers: The Untold Story of the Berlin Airlift and America's Finest Hour, Andrei Cherny.
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    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen Colbert: Are you saying that humanitarian aid is the way for us to win the hearts and minds of the world? That doesn't instill fear.
        Andrei Cherny: No it doesn't but it instills hope in them.

      • Stephen Colbert: Tonight, states are releasing prisoners early to save money. This is your lucky day Wesley Snipes. Then, how should you spend your tax rebate check? For tips, visit the Colbert Nation online gift shop. Plus, my guest Andrei Cherny calls a 1948 Berlin airlift America's finest hour. What about the final episode of Mash? Good things come to those who wait. (long pause) This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen Colbert: Luckily, there is tonight's Word: Jail Sweet Jail. Now nation, I know what you're thinking. ("How did he know about my pot plants?") You see, the simple solution is to shoot prisoners into space, (In space, no one can hear your appeal) but we would be missing a fantastic opportunity here. You see, states aren't the only ones being hurt by the bad economy, eight million Americans are unemployed and as John McCain said in January quote: There are some jobs that aren't coming back. (Like "Republican President) Meanwhile other jobs look pretty stable. For instance last quarter one of the nations top private prison companies, Corrections Corporation of America made a 35 million dollar profit. We should look to this industry as a solution and let Americans struggling to make ends meet open mom and pop jails. (As American as apple pie & the death penalty) You see, if you have an extra bedroom you could be the proud owner/operator of a charming private prison. (Quaint-anamo Bay) Presently the government spends 23,000 dollars a year just to keep one criminal behind bars. Imagine pocketing that cash for locking a shoplifter in your coat closet. (Remember not to leave cash in coat pocket)

        And folks here's the real beauty of mom and pop jails, if we make this the only way to help working families, these private prisons will replenish themselves. Because actual job creation programs might create more jobs, and more jobs means fewer criminals. (Excluding job of "Detroit Mayor") Now if that happens who are these freelance wardens going to chain to their radiator? (For her own good, Amy Winehouse) But as long as the best job option is locking a pimp in your pantry, we're sure to have plenty of criminals in the years to come. (And nutmeg that gives you herpes) Now this competition in incarceration will bring the efficiency of the free market to the prison system and eventually we'll reach the ultimate goal, having poor people imprison themselves. (Handcuffed to their own bootstraps)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen Colbert: (about Barack Obama) He's not only a secret Muslim. He's a secret time travelling Nazi Muslim!

      • Stephen: These pick your own farms combine all the fun of back breaking physical labor with the excitement you can only get fighting off hungry crows. Plus, if you are fast enough, free delicious crows.

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