Stephen: I was so tired of hand-feeding my mice Viagra. You gotta pull away quick or they will hump your finger.
Stephen: Happy three hundredth show, me! Keep up the good work. This is the Colbert Report!
Stephen: My guest Andrew Keen believes the internet has replaced professionals with amatuers. It's certainly true of porn.
Stephen: Can human being live forever? Sure, just look at George Burns. He's dead? Then no.
Stephen: What's wrong with cherry-picking facts? Because then you can make the perfect truth pie.
Stephen: Tonight, we look at the Iowa straw poll. That's right, Iowa is just ten years away from having lever-voting technology.
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