Since the federal election was held on the previous day, the final word in the opening sequence was changed from "VOTE" to "FACTOSE INTOLERANT"
Stephen: Tonight: Barack Obama has been elected President. My rage will be historic. Then: Has Obama's election already changed America? Yes. But don't worry, not the real America. And I sit down with civil rights pioneer Andrew Young. I'm not sure what we'll talk about now that racism is over. I didn't vote. If wanted to stand in line for hours I would be an audience member at my show. This is the Colbert Report!
Stephen: But today we woke to find ourselves in a world where a child might grow up not fearing the unknown. I don't know about you, but that scares the sh*t out of me. And brings us to tonight's Word: Change. Folks, for the last eight years fear has been the currency of American politics. (That, and money) It was sort of a free market fear market. (Laissez scare) In exchange for being frightened by our leaders, we the public would hand over a few things we weren't using anyway like privacy, the right to question our government, and all of our brain except that part that wants flat screen TV's and fried cheese. (And Fried Cheese Network) And, you know, the system worked, guys like me made a killing. (So did the fried cheese) You know, it seemed at the time like the fear market could just keep going up and up and up. Everybody was leveraging their fear or acquiring fears or bundling their fears with somebody else's fear to sell that fear to somebody else. (Fannie Mae & Freddy Frueger) And you know, very few asked if these fears had any actual value. (Press offered very low interest)
Well folks, I am afraid fear got overvalued. There was so much of it spread around by so many people that the bottom fell out, which itself was one of our fears. Now the fear bubble has burst. (Due to collapse of A.I.G.G.G.H.!) You need proof? I'll prove it. Last night we elected a man named Barack (Barack) Hussein (Hussein) Obama (Obama). Let me repeat that: Barack Hussein Obama! What part of that doesn't scare you!? (The not George Bush part) And, listen, I don't want to hear: Oh, I didn't know I was supposed to be scared. Grow up! You bear some personal responsibility for what happened last night. You did it! (Well, Sarah Palin helped) You see, for years we have crammed fear down your throat but this time you refused to swallow it. We had big plans. Last night we were going to harvest your bloated livers and make a delicious fear foi gras at the McCain victory party. And needless to say when Obama won, there were a lot of empty, disappointed crackers out there.
I shudder to think what this will do to the fear industry. A lot of hard working scare mongers are going to lose their jobs. (Will have to temp-monger) Well, I for one am not giving up on fear without a fight. And to prove that I still have faith in the system I am going to invest some of my own hard earned terrors. You might want to put on a sweater America, because I'm about to chill you to the bone. (turns down the lights and lights himself with a flashlight)
Welcome to Barack Obama's Term of Terror! One night a woman was driving home alone when suddenly a truck pulled up right on her back bumper and turned on its brights. (Lieberman fleeing the country?) The woman sped up but the truck did too. Again it turned on its brights. She changed lanes, the truck did too. She got off the highway, the truck followed her, again flashing its brights. It followed her all way to her driveway. She jumped out of the car to run and that's when she saw there was a madman with an axe in her backseat! The truck had been trying to warn her every time the man raised the axe! (The truck's horn evidently broken) Now here's where it gets really scary. It turns out the madman was an out of work lumberjack, who was mad because his job had been outsourced. But with the help of a new green collar jobs initiative and middle class tax relief he turned his life around and is now mentoring schoolchildren. Also, the trucker is now driving a hybrid. (With realistic women on mudflaps) Obama! (lights come back on)
Well folks, I hope my little story there injected some liquidity into your pants. (Huge stock dump) Because if you voters are really rejecting the politic of fear, I don't know what those of us in the fear business are going to do with all of that worthless currency. (Make change) And that's the Word.
Stephen: Finally, the number one threat to America: Black Presidents! Obviously American voter must not watch TV or movies or they would know that every time a black man is President something terrible happens. Either terrorists set off a nuclear bomb or an asteroid strikes the Earth! By electing Barack Obama we are asking for a catastrophe folks, if these movies are any indication it is only a matter of time before a terrorist teams up with an asteroid to invade the U.S. Though I am sure that President Obama would be willing to sit down with the asteroid without preconditions.
4: Cory Booker
3: Universal Heathcare
2: Barnyard Animals
1: Black Presidents
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