The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 57

Anne Lamott

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 29, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Anne Lamott
Tonight Stephen welcomes political activist and author of Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith, Anne Lamott.
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Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (10)

    • Stephen: Fortunately Florida has the answer and it's the subject of tonight's Word: Separation of Church & Plate: Florida state legislator Edward Bullard has entered a bill to issue a specialty Christian license plate. It would be the first in America to recognize a specific religion. The new Florida plate features a Christian cross, a stained glass window and most importantly the words "I Believe" at the bottom. If it just had the cross and stained glass window, who would know what it meant? (Everyone over age 2) I for one just can not get enough religious imagery on my car, especially since the cops made me take down my dashboard Jesus. But the ACLU of course is up in arms. They say the plate quote: "…sends a message that Florida is essentially a Christian state." Wrong! It says a message that you car is a Christian vehicle. How else are you supposed to declare you deepest values on the back of your car? (Trucknutz)

      And even if these license plates are an official state endorsement of Christianity, I'm sure Florida legislature will be happy to introduce license plate for other faiths as well. Jewish drivers can have plates with the Star of David, a Torah and the phrase "Why is this car different from all other cars?" (Tailpipe circumcised) Muslim drivers can have a star and a crescent and a minaret and not, not, not a cartoon of Mohammad. (Blessings and peace be upon his name) And Scientologists can have a volcano and the letters WWXD, What Would Xenu Do? (Sue you?) These license plates aren't simply religious expression, they're practical. For instance you can change lanes to get away from Hindus and Buddhists, because frankly I don't want to drive behind someone who believes in reincarnation or is trying to achieve nothingness. (Nothingness easy to achieve in a Ford Fiesta)

      Now think about it, we have red states and blue states, first class and coach, gated communities and whatever's outside gated communities. (Drug resistant TB) Now what unites us folks is our ability to come together as one people and say to each other: You're not like me. (E pluribus pluribus) So thank you, thank you Representative Bullard for giving us another place to do that. (Separation of church & plate)

      And that's the Word.

    • Stephen Colbert: The idea seems to be that we have to be patient and not rush the gifts of God. Is that what you're saying here?
      Anne Lamott: Well, I guess I'm saying is that God is not a cosmic bellhop and does not seem to have a magic want…
      Stephen Colbert: But we can ring the bell to get his attention. It's called praying.

    • Anne Lamott: Patience is not my strong suit.
      Stephen Colbert: Oh, you're going to need some in this interview.

    • Anne Lamott: I don't think God has email or a bullhorn.
      Stephen Colbert: So, we're more advanced than God, that we have a higher technology than he who wrought everything. That's basically a human-centric argument.

    • Stephen Colbert: I'm Roman Catholic. Are you a Roman Catholic?
      Anne Lamott: No, I'm a Presbyterian, God's frozen people.

    • Anne Lamott: I think maybe for Protestants we think that the opposite of faith is not doubt but certainty. The Protestant tradition seems to be more about a willingness to be in the mystery and the confusion. You know, it's like the old joke. If you want to make God laugh, tell her your plans.
      Stephen Colbert: I'm sorry. Tell who your plans? What was that pronoun you snuck in there? Tell what your plans.
      Anne Lamott: God.

    • Stephen Colbert: Finally, a wag of my finger at cuddle parties like this one. (shows video clip of cuddle parties and their purpose) Excuse me but I know an orgy when I see one…This is just another excuse for the socially awkward to grope each other and call it a healing experiment. A non-sexual event? You know why? Because you're cowards! And I don't want to hear about spooning. A real man needs a ladle.

    • Stephen Colbert: Nation, I'm about to teach the difference between right and wrong. I'm right. Everyone else is wrong.

    • Stephen Colbert: Barbie promotes obsession with body image and empty materialism, both core American values. She is the prefect Trojan horse for sneaking our brand of freedom into Iran. Her large bust is as spacious as any C-130 cargo plane. And what's stuffed in those atomic d-cups? The American Dream. We must get Barbie's into the hands of Iranian kids. After all, it's hard to scream 'Death to America' when you secretly yearn for a dream house.

    • Stephen Colbert: You know who else was born lucky? Vladmir Putin.You know, with all that polonium poisoning going around Russia, he hasn't gotten sick once and the man is grateful to God for it. It seems that Putin is aligning the government with the Russian Orthodox Church and cracking down on Russia's dangerous wild-eyed cults, namely Methodists. Someone had to put a stop to their coffee and sweet rolls. Nation, while we coddle our religious diversifiers, Russia is closing the gap between church and state. We cannot allow a church-and-state-gap gap.

  • NOTES (0)


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