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When Colbert picks up James Frey's book from behind his desk, a piece of paper either falls out of the book or off of the book. Later, when Colbert puts the book back, he secretly grabs it off his desk and puts it off with the book.
Stephen (To Nightline): If you steal content from my show, topical subjects, guests, and saying goodnight, there will be legal action. And if you think I'm kidding, ask bow-tie pasta. It's dead to me. It knows why.
Stephen: I say we boycott the man, James Frey. Friends of James Frey: ignore his calls. Grandparents of James Frey: He is no longer adorable to you. Check out merchants: Refuse to scan his items. And James Frey, I say to you. If someday you decide to write the story of your life, I recommend that you choose to not have had this happen.
Stephen (About Nightline): We totally destroy them in the ratings. I don't have any numbers to back that up, but I feel that it's true.
Stephen (creating New York Times headline): Oprah on Stephen Colbert's Existence : "Yeah".
Stephen: It's tonight's word: Abortion. I have found the solution on this divisive issue that all sides can agree on.... You know what, this doesn't feel right, it's too easy. Three months of doing this show. I'm up on this pedestal okay? I'm loosing touch with the people, I need to stay in touch with you, real Americans, people like this over here. I shouldn't be talking, I should be asking them questions, or having them ask me questions. You know what? Change of plans, somebody throw me a mike. Jimmy, sorry, if the President can do this than so can I. We got a whole new Word: Unscripted. Keep up with me, anything can happen. (Whee!) Alright, who has got a question? You right there.
Woman in uniform: I just want to thank you for all you've done and continue to do for American. (Blacks, women and soldiers thank Stephen) Keep fighting the good fight, Stephen Colbert.
Stephen: Thank you. You know what, I appreciate it. (Stephen appreciates them) Now, what is your question?
Woman in uniform: Isn't it time more people thanked you?
Stephen: The only thanks I need is for people to keep watching this show. (Screw you, Nightline) But you're welcome. Next, somebody else, let's go, you sir.
Iraqi man: Hello, Stephen. I am an Iraqi Kurd. (Pay Dirt!) Now that I have been liberated, I am getting to know your beautiful country.
Stephen: You know, we get many, many Kurds here sir, and let me say to you: Ahlahn (Sounds vaguely Arabic)
Iraqi Man: Hi. I am learning your customs, especially about your women's sports. (Iraqi's eager for women's lib) What do they call it when the pitcher throws a slow, easy to hit pitch right over the plate?
Stephen: They call that lobbing a softball. Great question, thank you very much. (Check's in the mail) Next, how about the young mother right over there, I'm guessing between 18 and 34, the blond woman.
Woman with actual question: Thanks, I was wondering...
Stephen:No I'm sorry, I meant the woman next to you. I believe she had the question
Woman with actual question: Can I just ask mine first? I have one also.
Stephen: ...Okay. (Oh Sh*t!) Ask away.
Woman with actual question: In the past few weeks, the President's been giving more impromptu press conferences than in any other time in his Presidency. Do you think they're for show or do you think that he cares what we think?
Stephen: ...Well um, much like the President, ...the uh... Chinese and Indian economies are... (Breathe...) increasing their economies and with their booming populations it is putting tremendous pressure on the global oil market. And... yes ma'am you have a question right over there!
Young Mother: Yes, I'm a suburban homemaker trying to make ends meet. Why are gas prices so high?
Stephen: ...I uh, (ABORT! ABORT!) I think I just answered... what do I... Abortion! And that's the word.
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