The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 94

Anthony Romero

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 24, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Anthony Romero
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the executive director of the ACLU, Anthony Romero.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: There may be a way to preserve the health or our ecology and our economy and it's tonight's Word: Modest Porpoisal. A few months ago I reported on charming German Polar Bear cub Knut. [Sees cub photo] Awww, lookit that little face. Do you want eina fish? Ya, ya you want eina fish. Unfortunately, Knut did want eina fish, unt a nudda, unt a nutta until finally he grew into this scraggly, adolescent monstrosity. So I lost interest. Ever since I've been scouring the news for other stories that seem to humanize Germany through their zoo system, and look what I found: "German zoo faces charges for selling animals as food." So far the only confirmed victims of this highly interactive exhibit were deer. (Buck stopped there) But as one official has said quote: "We are worried this is only the tip of the iceberg." I don't know why he's worried. His zoo is leading wildlife conservation down a bold new path. (The digestive tract) In fact, they may have stumbled on a way to end extinction all together. The Darwin strokers have always said that species survive by developing a survival advantage. Well, what's more advantageous than being delicious? (A semi-automatic hunting rifle with a night vision scope?)

        Please consider what being tasty has done for the chicken. Now you may be thinking: But the chicken isn't endangered. Exactly! Because people love to eat chicken, and that means the farmers have an incentive to raise them thus guaranteeing the species' survival. (See Darwin's "Origin of Greases") Instead of dying out, they are free to roam their new habitat (A bucket) and it can work the same way for endangered species slash delicacies.
        People have a vested interest in preserving our planet's dazzling biodiversity once they get a taste of beer-battered Florida panther. (A breeding and breading program) Right now folks, Joe Six-Pack doesn't care about the plight of an orangutan, (Unless it's punching Clint Eastwood) but wait until he takes that first bite of orangutan poppers! (Any which way but with chipotle sauce) What would generate more interest in Australia's endangered animals: A secluded wildlife preserve or the bloomin' wombat? As a bonus, over thousands of generations, zoo raised species will develop even juicer meat. (And honey mustard gland) And once the world's species have been safely transferred to ranches, everybody wins. Animals get what they want, continued existence, and consumers get what they want, something else to consume. But we need to act now, or one day soon you may hear those dreaded words: I'm sorry sir, we're all out of today's special, it's extinct. (Modest porposial)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: Tonight, a scandal in the German zoo system. I think it involves invading the Poland Zoo.

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