The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 5

Anthony Romero

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jan 12, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the executive director ACLU, Anthony Romero.

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      • Stephen: Tonight: In his last press conference President Bush admits to the biggest mistake of his Presidency: Holding press conferences. Then an update on my eagle son, Stephen Jr. Would it hurt you to call your grandmother? Plus ACLU director Anthony Romero says we should close Guantanamo Bay. Sounds like a good reason to send him there. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. I am shameless! This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Now fortunately I have discovered a way to fix our economy and it brings us to tonight's Word: Sweet Smell of Success. Recently a fascinating study was conducted in England. Now normally I don't trust anything English, I've been burned to many times by some guy in a robe telling me to pull his sword from the stone. (His name? Sir Cumcision) But I must hand it to Professor Craig Roberts from the University of Liverpool. (The Fightin' Moptops!) In this study he asked English women to rate the attractiveness of men from two groups who had not showered for two days. (On a scale of Zero to Kid Rock) One group used no fragrance, the other group used Axe Body Deodorant and the women in the study found the men who used Axe more attractive. Now here's the interesting part: (English women have no sense of smell) the women never actually smelled the men, they just watched them on video. Apparently the men who wore Axe projected more confidence and English ladies found this confidence attractive. (Also find kidney pie edible) Now personally I love the smell of Axe, they are one of my sponsors and so, to me, it's just like huffing money. [sprays Axe in a bag and inhales] (Do not try. Professional breather in closed bag)

        You see, Axe works for me and for millions of awkward, teenage males, so it should work for the American economy, after all the economy just lacks confidence. (And is starting to stink) Nothing else we have tried so far to help it has worked. Not tax rebates, not the auto bailout, not the Wall Street bailout, I mean can anyone tell me what we spent that 350 billion dollars on? (Fancy letterhead for next bailout request?) Axe Body Spray has got to be as least as effective as the bailout. (Both used to spread liquidity) Using Axe is no different than how we created the housing bubble in the first place. We took mortgages that smelled like crap and sprayed them with a five star credit rating until somebody took them home. (Likes to bungle after sex) So what in America could use a little confidence first? Well, the stimulus package is going to paid for by the Chinese, so we have to make sure our debt stays attractive, so let's just soak down a T-bill here… [sprays it with Axe] that ought to turn the Chinese on. (Works like tiger dong) And you know who else needs a little jolt of self esteem? (Bernie Madoff) The American people. [sprays towards the audience] There you go, you're welcome. You folks need the confidence to spend, the confidence to get a job, the confidence to get a loan so you can keep spending if you don't get that job. (aka Go to grad school) But there is one man who needs this stuff more than anyone else.

        [Video: Barack Obama: I think that the main task for me in an inauguration speech, and I think this is true for my Presidency generally, is to try to capture as best I can the moment that we are in….And then to project confidence…]

        Stephen: Sir? Prepare to feel confident. [sprays down picture of Obama] You're welcome! This is all we need, because it's not how strong our economy is, it's how confident we are in it. We will be attractive and the world will respond as long as no one gets close enough to get a good whiff. And that's the Word.

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