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Stephen Colbert: (shows gasoline ad) It asks, "Where does your gasoline dollar go?" Now, I actually thought that this was a trick question because you cannot buy gas for a dollar. As you can see here, 72% goes to the price of crude oil. Another 16% is eaten up by refining, distribution, and service stations, and the last 12% is taken away by taxes. That is a total of 100%. That is right, Nation. Oil is a zero profit business. I mean they must have had a bake sale to pay for this ad. And yet somehow, in 2007, Exonnmobile earned $1,300 a second. Yes, that's a lot of money but it is an unlucky number of hundreds.
Stephen Colbert: You grew a whole inch?
Garrett Reisman: Right. So far. I started out at just over 5'4". Now, I'm just over 5'5".
Stephen Colbert: Well, it's good to hear that at least something can make you grow an inch because I get emails promising that all the time and I don't believe any of them.
Stephen Colbert: Now, can you see the colors of the states change like John King at CNN with his Big Board?
Garrett Reisman: Ah, yes, whenever there's a new primary, it's great to look out the window and see the results. It's fantastic.
Stephen Colbert: Is this all planning for an eventual leap to Mars?
Garrett Reisman: Yes it is, Stephan. We have it on the drawing boards already…and our new rocket is going to be able to take us first back to the moon, within the next decade, and then onto Mars and that's ultimately what we're all striving for.
Stephen Colbert: Are you saying that you're a janitor with a PhD?
Garrett Reisman: It's a bit of a glorified janitor. Yeah, that's a pretty good description. I do a lot of cleaning.
Stephen Colbert: Mr. Reisman, thank you so much for joining us from the depths of space. You are an astronaut, a scientist, an engineer but more importantly, you are a member of the Colbert nation.
Garrett Reisman: Actually, I would like to say Colbert Universe, would I guess be more appropriate.
Stephen Colbert: Awesome! We've gone galactic. I can't believe my voice is being broadcast to space right now. I should say something really profound. Eat it, Jon Stewart! I'm talking to space.
Stephen Colbert: Well, as you know, you're supposed to give your wrist strong bracelet to someone more famous than you. So, if you get to go on the spacewalk, would you just take it off and shoot it at God for me because I'd love to see him with that thing on his wrist.
Garrett Reisman: That would be the ultimate product placement. I'll see what I can do. No promises.
Arianna Huffington: Because he [John McCain] has such passion for Iraq, that's his Viagra.
Stephen Colbert: I guess the warning on that should be "if your erection lasts more than 100 years pull out."
Stephen Colbert: Why do I need this much validation? Where does this Stephen end and that Stephen begin? Which Stephen am I? Is this skin or a cage for my soul?
Stephen: But you know, folks, there are heroes, and then there are HEROES. For the last eight years the International Space Station has fostered co-operation between nations in the search for scientific knowledge.
Now, I don't like any of the words in that last sentence. But I do like this: There is a member of the Colbert nation, an astronaut, an American astronaut who is at this very moment aboard the International Space Station.
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