The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 127

Arne Duncan

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Oct 05, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Arne Duncan
Tonight Stephen welcomes the Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan.
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    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: Tonight: President Obama proposes a longer school year. But if our kids don't have long breaks, how will they prepare for jobs as Congressmen? Then: Part two of my profile of competitive eating. It is filled with drama and ground beef. And my guest is Secretary of Education Arne Duncan. What a shame. All that schooling and the only job he could get is secretary. The socialists take power in Greece. I didn't even know Obama was on the ballot. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: So wait a second. So you, a ten year old boy actually agree that you should have more school?
        Andrew Gellman: No, but only because there are stronger economic principals at stake here, which brings us to tonight's Word: Learning is Fundamental. [Stephen leans over to Andrews side of the desk to stare at the camera] You're in my shot. Folks, as a ten year old boy there's nothing I'd want more than a longer school year, (Besides chest hair) because I know that would help me catch up with kids in countries I can't even find on a map like India or China or Narnia. Plus, who wouldn't love more time to get more purple nurples? (Kid with third nurple?) But our nation faces complex economic problems that we can't solve by just throwing school at them, in fact that would hurt the economy. The Fox & Friends know what I'm talking about. Isn't that right, blond haired girl who's not Steve Doocey?

        [Video: Gretchen Carlson: A lot of kids go to activities after school, so imagine what would happen to all those small businesses. They might go by the wayside if kids were suddenly going to school until later hours in the day and all through out the summer. This has huge ramifications…]

        Andrew: Huge ramifications. This won't just hurt summer camps, it will hurt every business that depends on summer vacation: Hotel chains, airlines, the creepy guy with the ice cream truck. (That's "Congressman Foley" to you!) And once again, I want more school. Disney World's nice, but getting pegged in the head in dodgeball by Danny Wallace is all the vacation I need. (It's a small wound after all) But I have to think about the broader economic picture. I'm not just a student in Miss Grogens home room, I'm a small businessman. I run a profitable lemonade stand, it's a $26 dollar a year industry (Outperforms G.M.) but it's mostly a seasonal business. You take away my summer sales, that doesn't just hurt me, it has a ripple effect throughout the economy. My mom might lose her job making the lemonade or her other job, buying the lemonade from me. (Momzi scheme) So though it pains me to say this, because again there's nothing I enjoy more than learning irregular Spanish verbs, (Mentiroso!) for the sake of the economy we cannot extent the school year. In fact, we have to lengthen the summer. That's why, and I can't believe I'm saying this, I'm going on summer vacation right now, just one month into the school year, even though it means depriving myself the joy of taking tomorrow's geography quiz while Danny Wallace flicks me in the back of the head with a ruler. (Danny Wallace: Future Fox News pundit) Because when it comes to this proud nation, what you earn is more important than what we learn. (Earning is fundamental) Oh, and while I have the floor, I also think the President should come up with a plan for Afghanistan. Seriously, it's been eight months.

        And that's the Word.

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