The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 131

Barry Scheck

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Oct 16, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Barry Scheck
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Tonight Stephen welcomes lawyer and co-founder of the Innocence Project, Barry Scheck.

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      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Russian Dolls. The GOP has a serious scandal on its hands, (And in its pants) since Mark Foley's resignation rumors of a cover up are all over the news, it's all anyone can talk about. (Unless you're Tony Snow) Now no other story has taken the spotlight, not even last week's revelation that there are nuclear weapons controlled by a dictator who looks like a 65 year old woman caught coming out of a plastic surgeons office. And that's a shame because a big story is just what the GOP needs. (How about "War is Over!") They need something, anything, to push this Foley mess off the front page, (And off the Congressional page) something to make everyone forget about it. You see the news cycle works like Russian dolls, you might start with a story like no WMDs. See? Look at that cute little thing. (Cute as "The Button") So we never found any WMDs and it becomes this huge story. Well, the good news is you can stick the WMDs right inside Abu Ghraib. (Actual Abu Ghraib technique) That's now the big story, nobody's talking about WMDs anymore 'cause this new one's got photos and nudity and dogs. (Jackass 3?) Then along come allegations of secret prisons and that gobbles up the Abu Ghraib story! Alright, where did the Abu Ghraib go? Who cares because now we've got a mystery: what happens in those secret prisons? (Not torture as currently defined) Alright, pretty big revelation, but it all fits snugly into domestic wiretapping. (Which fits snugly inside your phone) Is it Constitutional? Does it matter? (Can you hear me now?) But we're never going to stop talking about it unless Jack Abramoff gets caught and this Abramoff thing is the story of the year until torture comes along and then it's pretty much torture 27/7 until Foleygate. So here's where we are right now.

        And it shouldn't be too hard to bury this Foley scandal because it's just not that big of a deal, it's not even Hastert's fault. Connecticut Congressman Chris Shay said it best on Thursday quote: "I know the speaker didn't go over a bridge and leave a young person in the water and then have press conference the next day…Dennis Hastert didn't kill anybody." Exactly! He didn't kill anybody, but maybe he should. Hear me out. I'm not saying it has to be one of his aides or anything, make it someone no one will ever miss. (A reporter) Don't get me wrong, porno e-mails to teenage boys, that's a hot story, but the Speaker of the House, the 3rd in line for the Presidency, caught strangling a prostitute with piano wire? Wow! I'm not saying it has to be piano wire, obviously that's up to the Speaker. (How about speaker wire?) You know what would be even sexier folks? A cannibal killing! It's perfect! We know Hastert's got a healthy appetite so maybe he kills and eats Foley! (Puts him on back burner) Because the only way this Foley this goes away is if it's swallowed up by something else.

        And that's the Word.

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