The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 77

Bart Ehrman

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 20, 2006 on Comedy Central
9.2
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Bart Ehrman
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Bart Ehrman, author of Misquoting Jesus.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (4)

      • Stephen Colbert: Mentioning Jesus in your speech is small government. Doing what Jesus said is big government.

      • Stephen Colbert: I haven't been following the scores of the World Cup. I like to stick to more Americain sports such as Golf, Teatherball and Cockfighting.

      • Stephen: I got no problem with people marrying snakes, as long as they're not marrying gay snakes.

      • Stephen: …in tonight's Word: Everything Must Go. Look, it's called a sale, Mr. Friedman. GM has all sorts of plans for more fuel efficient vehicles, but first they have to sell their gas guzzlers on their lots now. The Chevy Tahoe, (14 MPG) the GMC Yukon (13 MPG) and of course the Hummer, America's first hybrid car. (Runs on gas and the blood of patriots) It is our duty to buy them, not just as patriotic Americans, but as conservationists. (Preserving endangered auto companies) You see folks, as a country, we're never going to have alternative fuels until we burn through our remaining petroleum supply. It works like this: as long as there's a drop of oil in the ground, everyone is going to think it belongs in his car. (Or on a seagull) There is no incentive to develop alternatives. (Especially for Exxon) We're like kids fighting over a ball until somebody takes that ball away, nobody's gonna want to play with that stupid Slinky. (Walks down stairs. Big deal.) So we have got to use all of it, every drop. (Brace yourself, Iran) Now, we here at the Report are doing our part. Our cameras are all diesel powered and this ergonomic chair here runs on 92 octane. The point is we must extract and burn all the fuel from Mother Earth as fast as we can. (Burn this mother out) And this $1.99 gas program from GM really primes the pump. Now, you've only got one year, so nation, you've got to run that SUV's engine 24 hours a day. (American idle) Drive it in shift if need be, go rolling with your boys, drive it across the country. (From pump to shining pump) And when you reach the ocean, (Off the coast of Nevada) don't stop there, get in you cigarette boat and keep going. Not sacrificing our present fuel consumption won't be easy, but it will be worth it when you see your grandchildren behind the wheel of a sleek, hydrogen powered vehicle. (Or on the back of a donkey) Folks, to preserve our children's future, we have to waste every resource we've got. (Everything must go)

        And that's the Word.

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