The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 3

Benicio Del Toro

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jan 07, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Benicio Del Toro
Tonight Stephen welcomes actor and star of Che, Benicio Del Toro.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: Tonight: Obama wants to make it easier to sue their employers for past abuse. Jon Stewart, my silence about out "workout" ends. Plus: The New York Times is running ads on their front page. And they've hired a new columnist: The Gorton's fisherman. And my guest is Benicio Del Toro, star of the movie Che. I'll ask him which t-shirt he's doing a movie about next. It's the year of the ox. Good, I was getting sick of eating rat. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: But Obama really seems serious about this social contract business, and that brings us to tonight's Word: Statute of Liberty. Folks, in 2007 the Supreme Court ruled against Lily Leadbetter, a Goodyear plant supervisor who sued the company because for 20 years she got smaller raises than her male counterparts. (Vulcanized rubber ceiling) The Justices didn't deny the discrimination took place, but they ruled that under the 1964 Civil Rights Act she needed to file suit within 6 months of the first unfair paycheck she received. (Men got 8 months) Now sure, she didn't know for years that she was getting paid less, but she should have. Who do you thinks steams open Jon Stewart's paycheck every week? (Stephen's unpaid envelope steamer) Now, you see, the Leadbetter ruling is great because it has already been used to dismiss a disabled plaintiff's lawsuit over his Idaho apartment building not having a wheelchair ramp. (Idaho has apartment buildings?) The Appeals Court said he should have sued when the building was built, eight years before he moved in. (Also, try not being disabled) Now I say folks it is his tough luck that they also don't build wheelchair ramps on time machines. (DeLorean doesn't fit in handicapped spot) Now, of course the Democrats say they'll nullify the Court's decision by passing a bill to relax that six month statute of limitations.

        Now ordinarily I'd be for a move like this, because I don't believe in expiration dates. I say let the free market decide when milk goes bad. (Or wait until milk can decide for itself) But lifting this statute of limitations would just unleash a flood of frivolous lawsuits. (Especially from the flood victims) That is why a similar bill failed last year.

        [Video: Barack Obama: We tried to overturn it in the Senate, I supported that effort to provide better guidance to the courts, John McCain opposed it…
        John McCain: That waived the statute of limitations which you could have gone back 20 or 30 years. It was a trial lawyer's dream.]

        Stephen: A trial lawyer's dream. Not to be confused with a trial lawyer's wet dream, which is Angelina Jolie driving a Ford Pinto dressed only in asbestos. (Also Jennifer Aniston's wet dream) Now they are trying to pass this bill again folks. They want to throw out a basic cornerstone, not only of American justice, but of American business: what you didn't know didn't hurt you. (Also Dick Cheney's tramp stamp) I mean take, just take for example my staff. This very studio were are in is just across the street from a giant telecommunications substation which, let's say for fun, has been beaming high powered microwaves at us for three and half years. My chili never gets cold. So naturally I put all the ladies on my staff in the front offices to absorb the death rays. Of course, I didn't tell them that and now they can't sue me because they would have had to have filed suit in the first six months that they worked here. (For something other than sexual harassment) Oh, and um, to all of you who were hired within the last six months? That tingling sensation in your skull just means that your dandruff shampoo is working. (Though paid less than male shampoos)

        I say we create a new blanket statute of limitations. Any event any at all more than six months in the past did not happen. That has always been my defense in paternity suits. I mean, we should live for today. (That's the line that led to his paternity suits) So I am sorry President-elect Obama, if you really want people like Lily Leadbetter to get the justice they were denied in the past, get someone to deny their civil rights now. (Try the Supreme Court)

        And that's the Word.

    • NOTES (1)

      • Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger:
        Wag: Chinese bootleggers
        Tip: EPA
        Wag: Scientist getting bees hooked on cocaine
        Tip: This season's honey.

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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