The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 39

Benjamin Barber

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Mar 21, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Benjamin Barber
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Tonight Stephen welcomes University of Maryland professor and author of Consumed: How Markets Corrupt Children, Infantilize Adults, and Swallow Citizens Whole, Benjamin Barber.
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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (4)

      • Stephen: Your district is home to Woodstock. Do you have any love children you'd like to tell me about?
        Maurice Hinchey: No.
        Stephen: Alright. If I went back and looked at any of that archival Woodstock footage, would I see a young Hinchey shaking his junk?

      • Stephen: It's the first day of spring. Birds and bees, wait 'til you're married! This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: Evangelicals are divided over global warming. What are they worried about? Jesus can walk on water.

      • Stephen: …ergo: tonight's Word: Sex. The Christian right has found success by doing one thing and doing it right, (Just like KFC) focusing on sex. The Jesus Willburys know that Cizik's focus on the environment, human rights and poverty dilute the Chrisitan right's message. ("They're trying to make your son gay!") You see being a good Christian is about prioritizing, sticking to the issues most important to God. And if you've ever read the Bible folks, you know the Old Testament is mostly about sex. (And measuring wheat) Leviticus tells you where you can stick it, when you can stick it and who you are allowed to stick. (And stone) Think of it as the Joy of Sex, (Without the Joy) and focusing on sex has worked for the conservative Christians. They got value voters to the polls, they outlawed gay marriage in over forty states and turned sex education into abstinence education. (Get an 'A' for doing nothing) Broadening the evangelical agenda will only undermine the Christian political power bringing us closer to a nightmare America where churches are turned into dens of iniquity powered by hemp! (a.k.a. Willie Nelson's bus) But despite all this the N.A.E.'s governing board voted to reaffirm Cizik's pro-environmental, pro-human rights, anti-poverty policies. Author Jeffrey Seller explained: "We're talking about 60 million people, and they don't all march in lockstep." Well they should start. What happened to onward Christian soldiers? (Now "Kick back, Christian slackers.") You see folks, these Protestant denominations need to obey a single Christian leader, I nominate James Dobson. Of course he'll need a rod to keep the potential lost sheep in line, [Pope's staff] and a big hat so people know who's in charge. [Pope hat] That looks about right. And he can set a personal example of good behavior by staying celibate and it will help him, and the rest of the evangelical community stay focused on the nation's number one threat. (Sex)

        And that's the Word.

    • NOTES (1)

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