The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 62

Bill Bastone

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 10, 2006 on Comedy Central
out of 10
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Episode Summary

Bill Bastone
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes editor of The Smoking, Bill Bastone!

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  • Stephen profiles Nebraska's second district.

    The show opens with a teaser of content from the show, which involves everything from athletes who sign autograph as part of their community service to Nebraska's second district.

    Stephen starts off tonight's show by mentioning how tired he is from watching a show about the bird flu the previous evening on NBC. It seems the other networks have been airing similar docu-news programs, scaring the crap out of people. Stephen knows that the people who work at the show are certainly doomed because they rent the studio out on the weekends to Ricardo: The Bird Whisperer. The birds from his show apparently touch everything in the studio, even the door handles, so it's just a matter of time until someone from the show gets the bird flu. Although Stephen doesn't have a report, they do have the name and title graphic for their report, "Death From Above: Bird Fly Is Going To Kill Everyone."

    Moving on, Stephen turns his attention to a photo he saw in the USA Today, which featured NASCAR driver Kurt Busch throwing out a pitch at an Arizona Diamondbacks game, which counts towards his fifty hours of community service. The article in the paper went on to say that a lot of athletes have been able to fulfill their criminal sentences by signing autographs or making public appearances. The article's authors conclude that athletes are above the law. This brings us to tonight's edition of "The Word," which is "Athletes Are Above The Law." Stephen says that there's no problem with the current system... athletes are above the law and are role models for our children.

    Back from commercial break, Stephen focuses on Nebraska's second district in this week's edition of "Better Know A District." The district is home to Omaha Steaks, one of the most famous meat companies in the country. Stephen then shows the interview he did with Congressman Lee Terry. The first portion of the interview focused on Omaha and the beef industry the district relies on for jobs. They then talk about energy sources and gun control.

    Back from a commercial break, Stephen welcomes tonight's guest Bill Bastone. They talk about Bill's website, which breaks stories about people's legal problems. They debate whether or not the site is actual news and why he should break some stories at all.

    Tonight's show wasn't too bad. The "Better Know A District" was the highlight. Stephen's profile is always funnier than the actual interview in it, so this wasn't anything new. Overall, a fairly average episode.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (6)

    • Stephen Colbert: You don't have anything on me, right?
      Bill Bastone: Umm, is there something we should be looking for?
      Stephen Colbert: Absolutely not.

    • Stephen Colbert: I'm a steamroller of truth, re-paving the highway of the future. Expect delays. This is The Colbert Report.

    • Stephen Colbert: They say there's nothing to do in Nebraska. Tonight there is, watching me talk about Nebraska's second district.

    • Stephen: Folks, here's a quiz: What two things did Gerald Ford and Malcolm X have in common? One: Both had different names at birth. Gerald Ford was born Leslie Lynch King Jr, and Malcolm X was born Malcolm Little. And Two: They both hated whitey. Oh, and they were both born in the subject of our 22nd in our 433 part series, Better Know a District: Nebraska's Second. The Fighting 2nd! Resembling a tiny bite taken out of Nebraska fighting 1st, the 2nd is known as the part of Nebraska with people. It is home to Omaha, the largest city in Nebraska, which boasts the tower at First National Center, the tallest structure between Minneapolis and Denver. Omaha is also the home of ConAgra Foods, owners of Hunt's catsup, the number two catsup in America, which, as condiments go, is like being the tallest structure between Minneapolis and Denver. And what goes great with catsup? How about meat in a box. Omaha Steaks are some of the most delicious in the world. So thick, so juicy so mouth watering, I could really go for a free box of those steaks for mentioning their wonderful product on the show right now. (wink)

      The second is also home to Warren Buffet, the Oracle of Omaha. Buffet is the second richest person in the world. Not to be confused with Jimmy Buffet. Here's an easy way to tell them apart: Jimmy Buffet is a Caribbean folk rocker looking for his lost shaker of salt, Warren Buffet employs a strategy of arbitrage positions in mergers of acquisitions. Now you know the difference. The second is situated just outside of the area known as Tornado Alley. But it's suffered its share of devastation, such as the Easter Sunday tornado of 1913, the Omaha tornado of 1975 and whatever hit Omaha native Nick Nolte. And Omaha is one of the country's largest telecommunication centers, employing over 30,000 individuals who field nearly 20 million toll free calls per day. Omaha citizens are great on the phone because they don't have accents. They sound like they're from nowhere, which is partially true.

    • Stephen: ...which brings us to tonight's Word: Athletes Are Above The Law. The USA Today is just whining about double standards. (Cry me an infographic) Because if one of them was sentenced to community service, they'd be cleaning up roadside trash. (Muckraking) But the fact is, professional athletes are not like most Americas, (They're able to retire) no, it brightens peoples days to meet professional athletes and person, to shake their hands. (And sell their autographs on eBay) Professional athletes shouldn't have to perform real service because they are a service. (Provide vial excuse to consume alcohol and chili) Folks, just look at Vikings receiver Koren Robinson. (Quick, before he's suspended again) Koren Robinson got credit toward his fifty hour sentence by attending a party for the Salvation Army. (Sadly, not a sex boat party) This is genius. Let Robinson go to the party, he gets drunk, drives home again, boom, that's fifty more hours benefiting the community. (The receiver that keeps on giving)

      And what about the affect these athletes have on our children? (Besides dating them) They inspire them, they inspire kids to lead successful lives. (By skipping college) Here's how it works. Kids inspired by athletes grow up to become athletes themselves, (Or bitter sports journalists) then they total their own cars and are sentenced to run their own youth camps. (Pay it power forward) Our society benefits so much from these athletes public appearances that I call on athletes to commit more crimes. (Just do it) Please, go ahead, run up into those stands, have one for the road and if she looks 18, don't press the issue. (Bump and run) Then get caught, and be sentenced to do more of what you do best. (Thanking Jesus?) Being examples.

      And that's the Word.

    • Stephen (After watching a series of clips from bird flu programs): We're doomed!

  • NOTES (0)


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