The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 55

Bill Kristol

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 27, 2006 on Comedy Central
out of 10
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Episode Summary

Bill Kristol
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the editor of The Weekly Standard, Bill Kristol!

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  • What does the NFL Draft have in common with slavery?

    The show opens with a teaser of content from the show, which involves everything from Tony Snow to feminism.

    Stephen starts off tonight's show by mentioning the great Spring weather and then the news that Tony Snow has been made White House Press Secretary. This means Stephen is on his way to the administration soon. The perfect time for such announcement is this Saturday at the White House Correspondence Dinner, which Stephen is hosting.

    Moving on, Stephen checks in on his baby eagle, Stephen Jr. He just got some new video of his baby from the San Francisco Zoo.

    Staying on the issue of parenting, Stephen says today is Take Your Daughter To Work Day. It's not so bad unless you're like the group of girls CNN showed fighting in California. Time magazine also had a story about the problem with "wild" girls who are becoming very violent. This brings us to tonight's edition of "The Word," which is "White Gloves." Stephen opposes women fighting one another. Instead, he prefers women solve arguments with passive aggressive comments and sex with her friend's boyfriend. Stephen ends "The Word" and waits for the women to leave the room to talk to just the guys watching. He says that he's made the women mad so that they can do our fighting for us. "Now we've already got them thinking careers are important... that means less work for us," says Stephen.

    Back from commercial, Stephen mentions a new book he read and just loves it. It turns out the author plagiarized several entire passages for her own book. Stephen has, of course, been accused of the similar thing with his own book. He reads a passage, containing several characters from other books (Harry Potter, for instance). This transitions us into a new edition of "All You Need To Know" which is Stephen's simplification of news/life. Stephen touches on news such as Lee Raymond's expensive retirement package, major insurance companies in coastal states, new bacteria can make beans flatulence free, Ben and Jerry's controversial ice cream names, and David Copperfield tricked a mugger into thinking his pocket was empty. Stephen brings out Bobby to help him show how Copperfield did the trick.

    Back from commercial, Stephen welcomes tonight's guest, Bill Kristol. They talk about the war in Iraq, possible war in Iran, Donald Rumsfeld, and building a larger military.

    Back from commercial, Stephen takes some time next to the fireplace to talk about the NFL Draft, which according to Stephen, reminds him of slavery... having no say in where you go to work.

    I'd have to say that this episode was fairly average. All of the segments were good, but they were almost all on par with one another, making a balanced show. "The Word" was structured a little differently, being split up. It reminds me of an episode of Good Eats, when the host did a similar thing when the women were in and out of the room for a show about "man" food.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (4)

    • Steven Colbert: I've got truth fever. Seriously, I've been throwing up all day. This is The Colbert Report.

    • Stephen: It's been a long four days and I've got a busy weekend ahead too, but I'm not going to forget to set aside some quality time for what's really important: the NFL draft. It's pure entertainment and plenty of it. Twenty seven hours of coverage over two days. That's pretty much every waking hour this weekend devoted to knowing who the Tennessee Titans are gonna nab with that precious fifth round pick, time well spent. Because the draft is not only a mechanism for football teams to fill their rosters, it also takes America back to its roots: slavery. Having no choice in where you work is older than the nation itself. Be they slaves, or indentured servants, some of our earliest settlers had one thing in common: no one would let them leave. But sadly, with progress has come more choice for workers and now there are jobs that some Americans simply will not do: like run FEMA. So enjoy the draft, and I do mean all of it. You'll learn about America's past, and with any luck, her future.

    • Stephen: Ben & Jerry's recently caused controversy with a new flavor called "Black and Tan" which is also the nickname of a violent British milita that operated during Ireland's War of Independence. All you need to know: They're replacing it with their new flavor "Ku Klux Krunch." Pure vanilla, yet somehow it still crunches.

    • Stephen: ...which brings us to tonight's Word: White Gloves. They're what ladies wear when they're going to lunch. (Good nacho traction) They're a symbol of proper femininity and it appears today's young women have taken the gloves off. (Easier to draw blood that way) Now like Jeffrey Kluger, the author of the "Time" article, I believe in taking isolated incidents and generalizing them into nationwide epidemics. (Remember Rainbow Parties?) As a result I'm alarmed by this. I believe that if a lady has a problem with her friend, she doesn't solve it with her fists, (Unless that problem is break kneading) she solves it with the silent treatment, passive aggressive comments and sex with her friend's boyfriend. (Everybody wins) That's how God intended it. (No "Catfight on the Mount") Just like he intended for men to go out and make the money, and at the end of the day, go drinking and get in brawls. (Acceptable man on man action) While women stay at home, clean the house, keep themselves pretty and at the end of the day dab their husbands wounds until they get in the mood to be taken. ("Stella!") Now I know a lot of women don't like talk like that. (Not enough "Talking" in it) They probably want to storm out of the room right now. Well, go ahead, leave the room now ladies, and go make a collage or start a fight on IM. ("OMG U R A SLUT") Please, just make sure you wear your white gloves.

      And that's the Word.

      Okay, are the women all gone? Guys, it's just us now, let's talk. (Can I stay?) Yeah, you're cool. Now fellas, did you see what I just did there? I pissed the women off. See, we want them angry that way we can harness their violent impulses to do our fighting for us. Great idea, right? (Gets thumbs up from Lynndie England) Now we've already got them thinking careers are important. That means less work for us. (But more pay) Plus, they're still taking care of the kids and the households! They're doing twice the work! ("The Feminine Mistake") And the best part is, women think all of this is part of their emancipation. We've managed to convince them that being a stripper sexual empowers them. ("Our Bodies, Our G-Stings") And that breast implants are a gift a woman gives herself. ("Show us your gifts!") Guys, if we play our cards right, soon they'll be doing everything, and we'll have time to do everything we've always wanted. (Sit, scratch)

      And that's the real Word.

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