Stephen: Tonight: How far will reporters go for a story? Some are so desperate they'll work for a newspaper. Then: I take a second look at Colorado's 2nd district, which is the equivalent of taking a first look at Colorado's 4th district. And my guest Bill McKibben wants to lower carbon dioxide levels. I assume he won't exhale when he talks. 90% of U.S. currency has traces of cocaine on it. That should boost our exchange rate. This is the Colbert Report.
Stephen: Luckily, there's a way to show these facts what's really true, and it's tonight's Word: Must-Be TV. Ladies and gentlemen, I was inspired this week by the story of Brazil's Wallace Souza, host the crime news show Canal Livre, who used exclusive footage of murders to prove that crime was on the rise. People accused him of fear mongering but keeping the public safe was his stated gooooooooooaaaal. (Actual Portugese pronunciation) But what made Souza's reporting truly groundbreaking was how he got his exclusive footage.
[Video: Reporter: Brazilian authorities now say Souza's uncanny ability to sniff out wasn't because he was such a great reporter, it was because he was the one arranging the violent acts. He went as far as creating facts, this police chief said, in ordering the crimes be committed in order to generate news for his program.]
Stephen: He committed crime to generate content for his show. It's an idea first pioneered by America's Funniest Home Videos Tom Bergeron when he repeatedly hurled objects at his own balls. Very funny. But we need to embrace Souza's hard hitting journalism. (Until it stops breathing) We American TV pundits are already halfway there. (Already killing newspapers) Recently we pundits created a story so good we had to cover it.
[Video clips: Glenn Beck: Tax day TEA parties all across the country…
Neil Cavuto: I'll be coming live from Sacramento….
Reporter: Hannity will be in Atlanta and Greta wraps things up Washington D.C.
Sean Hannity: We're gonna have Joe the Plumber, we'll have John Rich performing, Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee, Rick and Bubba….
Newt Gingrich: And this kind of sprang up almost unexpectedly in the last two months in a spontaneous effort around the country….]
Stephen: Yes! Just like how pay per view cameras spontaneously spring up at Wrestlemania. (Let's get ready to grumble!) And now it's the utterly spontaneous town hall outburst.
[Video Clips: Sean Hannity: Here with a closer look at this bureaucratic nightmare…
Angry woman: What I see is a bureaucratic nightmare…
Glenn Beck: You work for the people…
Angry man: You work for the people!
Rush Limbaugh: Adolph Hitler, like Barack Obama, also ruled by dictate.
Other angry man: Adolph Hitler he called his program the final solution
Glenn Beck: If you push people too far they will rise up.
Ron Allen: There is a man in the crowd who has a gun, a handgun strapped to his lower leg…]
Stephen: He needed that gun! Someone might have offered him dental coverage. (Wooden teeth good enough for Washington!) But we pundits have not gone far enough. We need to make reality happen they way we said it would. It's not good enough to claim healthcare reform will kill the elderly. Sean Hannity, sneak into a retirement home and loosed the screws on the bathtub safety rail. (Safety rail? Ooh, fancy retirement home!) Rush Limbaugh, don't just report that white men are being repressed, replace yourself with a wise Latina. (Sarah Palinez!) I folks, I'm already doing my part. To confirm my claims that the Obama administration is the new Nazi party, I have fired all the Jews on my staff. Can you believe that in America we have this kind of discrimination!? ( His one remaining writer can't) Now, of course, we pundits can't go out an prove all our claims.
[Video: Rush Limbaugh: We've got the best healthcare in the world….
Bill Bennett: You've got the greatest healthcare system in the world….
Sean Hannity: We've got the best healthcare system in the world…]
Stephen: Making that a reality would be really tough, after all 47 million Americans are uninsured and the World Health Organization ranks our healthcare system 37th in the world between Costa Rica and Slovenia. Suck it Slovenia! (That's their healthcare system) So instead of providing for our country's sick and needy, let's just give the President a tiny mustache, because if you want to save America from what you know is wrong, you have to be willing to do what's wrong to prove you're right. And that's the Word.
Better Know a District: Colorado's 2nd. Stephen returns to the 2nd because the original Representative has moved on to the Senate. Stephen interviews Rep. Jared Polis.
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