The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 82

Bishop N.T. Wright

0
Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 19, 2008 on Comedy Central

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  • Quotes

    • (Clips of Cookie Monster eating cookies on Sesame Street and then eating fruits with Matt Lauer)
      Stephen Colbert: This is a betrayal worse than when Scott McClellan turned on the President. It is worse than when Richard Clarke turned on the President. It is even worse than when 75% of Americans turned on the President. It is a travesty. (Sesame Street Doorbell rings) Wait a minute. Nobody's used that doorbell in years. (Stephen stands, and walks over to his portrait, addressing his audience) I'm sorry folks, I'll be right back, I gotta get this. It's never happened before. (Stephen opens the door/portrait and finds…) Cookie Monster!
      Cookie Monster: Hi!
      Stephen Colbert: What are you doing here?
      Cookie Monster: Me hear what you say and me want to set record straight. Stephen Colbert: But how did you get here?
      Cookie Monster: Oh, Elmo gave me lift. He waiting outside in car. (to Elmo, off screen) Crack window!
      Stephen Colbert: Wait, Elmo drove? Isn't he, like, three-and-a-half years old?
      Cookie Monster: Yeah. Well, he play younger on TV.
      Stephen Colbert: Mr. Monster, why have you abandoned cookies?
      Cookie Monster: Me not abandon cookies. Me love cookies! But one cannot live on cookies alone. No, no, no. Me now know that cookie is "Sometimes" food.
      Stephen Colbert: Right because sometimes you have to pause to open a new sleeve of Oreos.
      Cookie Monster: No! You eat cookie after you eat healthy food, like soup or vegetables.
      Stephen Colbert: But I don't want to eat those things. I want to eat cookies all the time.
      Cookie Monster: Whoa! Focus! Hold on a second. Me been there. Yeah, yeah, me have crazy times in '70s and '80s. Me like the Robert Downey Jr. of cookies. But me never only ate just cookies. No, me eat everything. Me not picky.
      Stephen Colbert: Just listen to yourself. You're not a cookie monster. You're just a monster.
      Cookie Monster: Whoa! That hurt me feelings.
      Stephen Colbert: Well, you hurt me feelings by abandoning the pro-cookie agenda. If you really loved cookies, you'd be wearing the cookie lapel pin.
      Cookie Monster: You no have to wear a lapel pin to show cookie pride.
      Stephen Colbert: Yes, you do! Kids, take a cookie and a pin and stick it to your chest.
      Cookie Monster: Whoa, whoa! You terrible role model! You no have to do that but, after you eat healthy food, you can show cookie pride by eating cookie. (eats cookie and reaches for Peabody) Hey, that cookie?
      Stephen Colbert: No, that's my Peabody.
      Cookie Monster: That look like cookie.
      Stephen Colbert: Hands off. Cookie Monster, can you stick around a minute?
      Cookie Monster: Yeah, no problem, Elmo can wait in car. It very fuel efficient. It run on imagination.

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