The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 137

Brian Cox

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Oct 28, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Brian Cox
Tonight Stephen welcomes physicist and co-author of Why Does E=mc2?: (And Why Should We Care?), Brian Cox.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: What qualifies as a pre-existing condition? If you have to ask, you probably have one. Then: What broke the world's largest particle accelerator? Was it the world's largest clumsy janitor? And my guest physicist Brian Cox has written a book explaining the theory of relativity. I prepped by watching my Baby Einstein tapes. World Series tonight! Assuming the world only includes New York to Pennsylvania. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Let's face it folks, pre-existing conditions are ruining healthcare, and they brings us to tonight's Word: You-Genics. Folks, insurance companies are just as upset about pre-existing conditions as we are, just look at this ad made by the health insurance lobby.

        [Video: Narrator: If everyone's covered, we can make healthcare as affordable as possible. And the words "pre-existing condition" become a thing of the past.]

        Stephen: Now yes, insurance companies invented the term pre-existing condition in order to deny us coverage, but they'd like to find some way to stop that. It's like they're punching us in the face and saying: I wish you didn't have such a punchable face. (Face punch = $30 co-pay) But we have got to see this whole thing from the insurance company's perspective. They're not being inhumane to patients because they don't see patients as humans. We're a commodity like gold or hog futures, (Which reminds me, swing flu not covered) now they make their money betting that their investment, us, will maintain value i.e. stay healthy, but every time you visit a doctor you lose market value. (But gain a fear of lubricant) You see, sound investment means minimizing risk, and nothing is riskier than betting on a human being. (You cost me $50, Eli Manning!)

        The fact is, we all have something. Maybe we've got a flawed aorta that didn't show up on the EKG, or a genetic predisposition for horking down bacon, for insurance companies we might as well be sub-prime mortgages, (Except many won't last 30 years) so I say don't blame the insurers folks. You wouldn't buy a banana with spots on it, why would the insurers buy ones with banana diabetes? (Orange you glad he didn't say kidney failure?) So if insurance companies are going to cover all people, first we're going to have to start making people without pre-existing conditions by breeding the insurable with the insurable. (Like a labradoodle!) Just call it The Master Race.

        Now I know what you're thinking, hear me out! You're saying: Master Race has such ugly connotations. ("Amazing Race" was taken) Yes, but we're not talking about not letting black people or Jewish people reproduce, we're just saying you can't have babies if you're a group prone to say, sickle cell anemia or Tay-Sachs, that's a little too pre-existing. (What a DNA-hole) Now remember folks, selective breeding and genetic modification have worked miracles for our fruits, vegetables and livestock. (How they created "VeggieTales") So if you are a healthy women who qualifies for insurance, let's mate you with one of the few men we know an insurance company would never deny coverage to, their CEO. You baby will never be denied coverage for being too fat or to skinny if you mate with Rocky Mountain Health Plan CEO Steve ErkenBrack. He makes those babies just right. And ladies, don't worry about being denied coverage after your C-Section if that baby got planted by Golden Rule Health CEO Richard A. Collins. Now some people may find it unpleasant to have their loved ones screws by insurance CEOs, but face it, that is our present, pre-existing condition.

        And that's the Word.

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