The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 68

Brian Greene

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 27, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Brian Greene
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Tonight Stephen welcomes theoretical physicist and co-founder of the World Science Fair, Brian Greene Also, Stephen talks to the president of the Family Research Council and author of Personal Faith, Public Policy, Tony Perkins.

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      • Stephen Colbert: I do not watch movies. I get enough rage from the trailers. I even get enough rage from the posters which, in addition to corrupting our values, force people to read. The first trailer destroying America: The Incredible Hulk. Hmmm, something big and green fighting against humanity. Once again, Hollywood is pushing their pro-environment agenda. It's all there in the origin story. (movie clip) First, he lives in what appears to be a greenhouse until he is unleashed to go on a rampage against anything that burns gasoline. Of course, the whole thing is a metaphor for Al Gore who, after he embraced the green agenda, got huge. One last quibble: the CGI wizardry looked so unrealistic. A future with giant green monsters, ok, but a future with glaciers? Come on, guys, no one's going to believe that. The next trailer destroying America: Hancock. I thought finally someone had the courage to tell the story of founding father John Hancock. What a disappointment! Hancock is famous for so many things, signing the Declaration of Independence, first governor of Massachusetts, but the history books never said anything about this. (movie clip of Hancock destroying city highway) There has not been a founding father this destructive since Sam Adams. His beer led directly to the demise of my flat screen TV. But they did get some things right. (movie clip of Hancock throwing a beached whale back into the ocean) That is based on the true story of the time John Hancock unbeached Ben Franklin on the Jersey shore. Finally, folks, there's one trailer I am excited about: Tom Cruise's Nazi epic Valkyrie…It's all about Nazis trying to kill Hitler…I think the real message of this movie is that there were some good Nazis. It is a shame that all the Nazis get lumped together with Hitler. How did that get started? This movie is going to be great. The sure sign this is a great movie: it was supposed to be released this summer but they have pushed the release date back a second time. They are playing hard to get or, technically, impossible to see. And folks, they have now picked the perfect opening weekend, Valentine's Day 2009. There is no good aphrodisiac like good Nazis or a dead Hitler. Well, that's it for "The Trailers That Are Destroying America."

      • Brian Greene: Science is the act of exploration. Science is the greatest of adventure stories.

      • Brian Greene: Many people are intimidated by science.
        Stephen Colbert: Of course we're intimidated by science because science holds itself above everybody else, above God evidently. You guys have been kicking ass since the Enlightenment.
        Brian Greene: I see it a little bit differently.
        Stephen Colbert: Oh, I bet you do.
        Brian Greene: I see science as the great equalizer because we are all subject to the same laws of science, the same laws of physics.

      • Brian Greene: Science is truly everywhere. It tells us why the sky is blue, why a sunset is red, why this table is solid.
        Stephen Colbert: The sky is blue because it's God's favorite color.
        Brian Greene: There are other explanations.

      • Stephen Colbert: The argument over gay marriage rages on and I think I have a solution. If gay or lesbian couples want to get married, one of you just say you're a man and the other just say you're a woman…No one's going to ask you to drop trou and whip it out. That's illegal. I know that for a fact.

      • Stephen Colbert: Last week, the California Supreme Court handed down a ruling, legalizing gay marriage. Now, many are shocked and outraged. I get the outrage but shocked that California is pro-gay? I assume these are the same people who were shocked when Elton John finally came out.

      • Stephen Colbert: Denouncing these two conservative Christian leaders-big mistake, Senator [McCain]! When you embrace the Christian right, such bold declarations come with the territory. Hey, it is just proof that these guys are divinely inspired because no human being would say those things.

      • Tony Perkins: They're afforded the same rights and privileges as you and I are. Absolutely the same rights and privileges. They don't have the right to marry just as you and I don't have the right to marry anybody we want to. We don't have the right to marry our first cousin. We don't have the right to…
        Stephen Colbert: No, no, no. I'm from South Carolina.
        Tony Perkins: Most of America. We don't have the right to marry someone who is underage. There is…
        Stephen Colbert: Again...

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