The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 75

Carl Bernstein

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 06, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Carl Bernstein
Tonight Stephen welcomes Pulitzer Prize winning journalist and author of A Woman in Charge: The Life of Hillary Rodham Clinton, Carl Bernstein.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (7)

      • Stephen: Asking Democrats about religion is like asking Mel Gibson how he enjoyed his Passover.

      • Stephen: It's the sixty-third anniversary of D-Day. Still waiting for that thank you note, France! This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: The head of NASA says global warming isn't a problem. Exactly, if the ice caps melt, that's just more water to make Tang.

      • Stephen: Welcome back, thank you very much heroes. You know, stories cross my desk all the time that are off beat or wacky. But this is different, this is the craziest f#?king thing I've ever heard.

        Intro to: "The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard."

        When ever I go camping near a body of water I spend a lot of time 'octopus proofing' my food. Ah, put it in a bottle with a twist cap and you're safe from octopi, squid, and kraken. Or, so I thought! An octopus at the National Aquarium of New Zealand has learned how to open a plastic bottle with it's tentacles to get at a snack inside. Of course the aquarium staff are treating it like it's a good thing, but I say narrowing the gap between cephalopods and humans can only end in disaster. One day octopi are twisting open bottles, the next they're twisting open the hatch doors of submarines. Watch yourself USS Rhode Island, nuke anything with more then four arms. Cause once they get inside the next thing they'll twist open is your skulls to suck out our delicious brains, it's what they want. This is a part of an alarming trend, folks, we all remember "a shrimp on a treadmill". Clearly, clearly, our seafood is training for something big. We need to protect ourselves. I say we preemptively deep fry the whole ocean, fight them under there so we don't have to fight them up here. Yes, free ride for to long. Because I've seen a shark with a hammer for a head, but an octopus that opens bottles? That's the craziest f#?king thing I've ever heard!

        Closing to: "The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard."


      • Stephen: …which bring us to tonight's Word: Airogance. You know folks, I think it's ironic that the science huggers who whine about doing something about climate change are the same one who push the "theory" of evolution. Why don't they just think of the climate as evolving? (Ice caps recessive) And by your own arguments science, when something evolves it gets better. (Though I do miss my tail) But you know the worst thing about trying to fight global warming is that it is so presumptuous. I'm gonna let Michael explain.

        [Audio: Michael Griffin: I guess I would as which human beings, where and when, are to be accorded the privilege of deciding that this particular climate that we have right here today, right now, is the best climate for all other human beings. I think that's a rather arrogant position for people to take.]

        Stephen: Well put. It is so arrogant! (It ain't the heat, it's the hubris) It is arrogant to try and stop climate change until you ask all other human beings what they think. (Please, nobody ask Sheryl Crow) And you know what? It's not the way we do thing in America. After all, before any U.S. factories release greenhouse gasses, they poll the 6 billion people on the planet to make sure they're okay with it. ("Everyone in favor, say nothing.") And I think it is patronizing for guys like Al Gore to assume that people in say Micronesia what their island nations above sea level. That is just imposing his beliefs on another people. It is meteorological colonialism. (The weather man's burden) After all, how could anyone possible know which countries are against global warming? (Kyoto Treaty: Albania, Algeria, Angola, Antigua………..) Some people out there, and I'm not sure who, oh, here's an example, some people are going to be happy about climate change. You think the Eskimos like having 100 words for snow? I bet you they'd like to come up with just one word for beach. (Hot snow?) Plus, it is also so arrogant to think we can change the climate. What other hopeless mess are we going to try and clean up next? The healthcare system? (NASA?) Luckily a lot of these decision are in the hands of visionaries like Michael Griffin.

        [Audio: Michael Griffin: I don't think it's within the power of human beings to assure that the climate does not change, as millions of years of history have shown.]

        Stephen: That is the spirit of NASA. If mankind hasn't done something before, it can't possible be worth trying.

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: Finally men don't need a sterile environment to see if they're sterile. That's trademark Genosis, my rates are reasonable. The great news here folks is once infertile man learn about the dry twigs in their baby pouches they will be much more eager to go online and order a year's supply of Stephen Colbert's Formula 401. Yes. Head to and use the coupon code, 'shootingblanks', for a 20% discount. My stuff is guaranteed potent. Ladies of child baring years should not even handle the box.

      • Stephen: Advertising your faith is easy, like this. "Jesus! Now with 20% more peanuts!" Was that so hard? I'd buy that. Anyway you slice him.

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