The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 60

Carl Hiaasen

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 05, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Carl Hiaasen
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Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of The Downhill Lie: A Hacker's Return to a Ruinous Sport, Carl Hiaasen.

Korean pop sensation Rain also makes a guest appearance in a pre-taped sketch/dance-off, featured after the show.

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      • Stephen Colbert: (intro) Tonight, two candidates propose a gas tax holiday and it goes over like an unleaded balloon. Plus, I name an Alpha Dog of the Week. In a dramatic twist, I hump his leg. And my guest, Carl Hiassen, has written a book about returning to golf. Please applaud appropriately. Happy Cinco de Mayo! Remember, tomorrow is a great day to buy a used piñata. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: ….which brings us to tonight's Word: Free Gas! Look, I know that Senators McCain and Clinton have proposed a summer gas tax holiday, and I applaud their courage in the face of so called experts who have rejected the plan with delicate critiques like: "…pointless and disappointing," "…bad policy…", and "….so ridiculous, so unworthy of the people aspiring to lead our nation…" Fine! So the level of discourse has dropped, it can't always be about flag pings. But these proposals did get at least one glowing review: "I don't know any prominent economist who favors this McCain-Clinton proposal." That is why it is so good! Backing a policy experts think is a terrible idea just proves you are ready to be President. (Specifically, President Bush) And just like a good President, Clinton put the blame for past failures where it belongs.

        [Video: George Stephanopoulos: Can you name one economist, or credible economist who supports this suspension?
        Hillary Clinton: Well, you know George, I think we've been, for the last seven years, seeing a tremendous amount of government power and elite opinion basically behind policies that haven't worked well…Somehow elite opinion is always on the side of doing things that really disadvantage the vast majority of Americans…]

        Stephen: Sure, if you think about it, lifting the tax will increase demand and ultimately lead to higher gas prices, but doesn't it feel like this is going to help somebody? (OPEC?) Now I do have some criticism of this summer gas holiday. For one thing, how do we know when it ends? It's always summer somewhere. (Soon, will always be summer everywhere) But folks my biggest problem is that it doesn't go fare enough in making me feel like I'm saving money. 18 cents a gallon? To save any real cash I'll have to drive my Hummer 24/7. (Hell on indoor Hummer track) That's why I am announcing a truly bold initiative: Stephen Colbert's Total Gas Holiday. Free gas for everyone! Voila! Immediate relief from the gas crisis. (Once we use up all the gas)

        And folks it could not come at a better time, high fuel costs are leading Americans to buy smaller cars. Smaller cars!? This is America, if we go to smaller cars before you know it we'll be just like Europe. (Strong currency?) And folks that means I'll be wearing tight red jeans and eating snack crackers with strange brand names. (Kul Ranschn Doritos) Now I'm sure you're asking folks: How will we pay for unlimited free gas? (Take out a subprime mortgage?) Well, the answer is simple, I don't care. Besides, have you forgotten about a little thing called our grandkids? Because they are very generous even though they don't know it yet. (No child left unscrewed) They can be the generation that walks to work or uses public transportation. They'll have to, because without a gas tax to pay for infrastructure, there won't be any roads. (Though loads of new shipping lanes in the Arctic) So nation, call your Representatives and demand they make gas free, then go out there and burn it like it is going out of style. (Because it is)

        And that's the Word.

      • Carl Hiaasen: For men, every round of golf is sort of a journey into the darkest part of your soul and I think, for women, it's a sport.
        Stephen Colbert: Men also have the club. There's a metaphor for that.
        Carl Hiaasen: Well, as you know, we get a new driver every year, don't we?
        Stephen Colbert: Exactly. We're going for a bigger and bigger head on it.

      • Stephen Colbert: What do you mean you returned to it [golf]? How long were you away from this sport?
        Carl Hiaasen: Thirty-two years.
        Stephen Colbert: Thirty-two years? What did she do to you? What did golf do to you that broke your heart so badly thirty-two years ago?
        Carl Hiaasen: It was a brutalizing sport as you know.
        Stephen Colbert: Oh, she's a b**ch. She wants all your time, doesn't she?
        Carl Hiaasen: I was perfectly happy not playing for thirty-two years.
        Stephen Colbert: How did she suck you back in?

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