The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 18

Charlie LeDuff

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 06, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Charlie LeDuff
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Tonight Stephen welcomes New York Times reporter and author of US Guys: The True and Twisted Mind of the American Man, Charlie DeDuff.
Today
1:35am
COMEDY
11:30pm
COMEDY
Wednesday
1:35am
COMEDY
11:30pm
COMEDY
Thursday
1:35am
COMEDY
11:30pm
COMEDY
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      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Making A Killing. Which we'd be doing on these F-14 parts if the Pentagon had some sack. (Sack outsourced to private contractors) The F-14 Tomcat was once a symbol of American military might, [Tomcat] it was also the jet that Tom Cruise flew in Top Gun. [Tomkat] Coincidence? (…or Scientology?) But time has passed the F-14 by. (No longer takes breath away) Folks, we retired out F-14s last year but we still have 76,000 left over parts. (Same as when Stephen built IKEA dresser) That's 76,000 expensive parts. Now they're just sitting around because the Department of Defense kowtowed to Democrats like Oregon Senator Ron Wyden, who introduced the Stop Arming Iran Act. Give me a break Senator! We aren't arming Iran, we weren't even selling to Iran. We were selling to foreign arms dealers and then not asking who they were selling to. It's a policy. ("Don't ask. Do sell.") You know we can't control what people do in other countries, (See Afghanistan, Iraq) are we supposed to ban the export of every single product that could conceivable be used as a weapon against us? Oh no! We can't sell toilets overseas, someone in North Korea might give our troops a swirly. (Pyongyang developing atomic wedgie) Yes Iran may be arming insurgents in Iraq and yes their crazy President Mahmoud Achmenen-mamasaymamasaw mamawhosaw-ajad is Hell bent on acquiring nuclear weapons, but just because we might go to war with Iran is no reason to stop selling them parts. It's the reason sell them parts as fast as we can. The market is hot! (Soon to be smoldering)

        It's elementary economics: supply, demand. (Also: duck, cover) You see Iran is the only country still flying the F-14, that makes them the only customer for our spare parts. So it's not wrong to sell to them, you know the old saying: the only customer is always right. It will make this the cheapest war we've ever fought. (Iraq still cheapest premise) We'll even make a profit. We sell them the parts for their planes, then we shoot up their planes, then we sell them the parts for their shot up planes. Repeat as necessary. (Perpetual war machine) Opportunities like this are rare, Pentagon act now! (Detonators are standing by) After all, the bubble could burst. If it starts to look like Iran isn't developing nuclear weapons then we probably won't go to war with them. Then I don't know what we would sell them. Unless of course we sell them some plutonium, then we'll be back in business. (Making a killing)

        And that's the Word.

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