The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 81

Chris Matthews

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 27, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Chris Matthews
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the host of Hardball, Chris Matthews.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: I've said it before, popular music should be a series of meaningless cliches strung together by a pleasing melody to help pass the time during long commutes or loveless marriages.

      • Stephen: A panic that takes us to tonight's Word: Cold, Dead Fingers. As in what you America hating U.N one worlders can pry my guns from, but first, I've got one hot live finger for you. The U.N claims it's only concerned with the illicit trade of small arms overseas where they're used in local conflicts. (Think globally, shoot locally) In places like Liberia, Congo and Sudan. (World Cup of genocide) Hey, I'm against ethnic cleansing as much as the next guys, but come on, hate the cleansers, not the cleansing products. (A little club soda will get the blood off your hands) For instance, take a look at this gun. I purchased it legally right here in the United States. (On sale at Wal*Mart) Now, look at this one, I bought this one with gold bouillon in the dead of the night from a white slaver I met on a tramp steamer in the Suez Canal. (Thanks cheaptickets.com!) If we let other countries declare that this one is illegal overseas, what's to stop them from declaring this one is illegal in the U.S.? (Charlton Heston?) Now, how will that happen? I don't know. I have no idea and that's what I'm afraid of. What's the U.N going to do? (Pass a toothless resolution) I mean, yes, yes the United States is a sovereign nation, yes we're a superpower, yes their laws have no application here, yes they're talking about arms brokers, corrupt officials and drug trafficking syndicates and yes these conflicts are where thousands if not hundreds of thousands are killed and maimed. But if there's even an echo of a ricochet of a shadow of a chance that this treaty could make me feel that someday I might not be able to recreationally hunt, then saving those lives is not worth it. (Deer fur greater than Darfur) Remember the parable: First they came for the Liberian's revolvers and I did nothing, then they came for the Sudanese Glocks and I did nothing, and when they came for my sixteen rounds per minute open stock Mac 11, there was no one left to shoot for me. (Embroidered on AK-47 cozy) We do not need an international conference on small arms, what we need is an international rifle association. It wouldn't be the NRA, it'd be the..what…the IRA. I like the sound of that.

        And that's the Word.

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