The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 69

Christiane Amanpour

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 06, 2006 on Comedy Central
9.1
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Christiane Amanpour
AIRED:
Tonight Stephen welcomes CNN's chief international correspondent Christiane Amanpour.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (3)

      • Stephen: Your parents paid for college, the least you can do is reward them with a few more years of your college-educated presence. Show them how enlightened you are by rejecting society's demands that you get your own place. Plus free food and plenty of time to play Halo.

      • Stephen: (about 6-6-06) Don't worry, we're safe here in the studio, this is the only TV show taping in the vicinity where everyone gets a Bible. When the Beast comes, he will see our faith, then leave, head half a block east, a block south and two doors over to the Montel Williams Show. Oh, they will be devoured by the unquenchable dark flame.

      • Stephen: The answer is tonight's Word: The Military. Twice this week President Bush has promoted a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage and I couldn't support him more. The threat gay marriage poses is huge! (And throbbing) The fact that other people are gay married undermines my marriage. All I think about is I could have gone guy. (Men know what men like) We must protect marriage from all attacks. (Starting with rice throwing) But an amendment is not enough, to shore up the weakness in marriage's defenses, and to keep the gays from crossing the border into the state of our wedded bliss, President Bush must mobilize the National Guard to protect marriage. (Impose marital law) Assign a soldier to every wedded couple.

        Think of it as the government's wedding present. (Register a goarmy.com) Now, I believe that our troops will be greeted as liberators. (But not women's liberators) Now, the troops will be only defense, they will not actually perform marital duties, that's offense. (When you do it right) They'll defend your marriage from the gay agenda by keeping your wife from joining a softball league, (Even if she only pitches) or stopping your husband from renting Capote. (In cold blood, if necessary) Now some people might say that our military is spread to thin. (Some people=soldiers) Some might say that we have too many troops overseas to provide a National Guardsman to every marriage. (So skip Connie & Maury) That's why we need to do it. By keeping couples together these soldiers will promote more marital relations. (New meaning for "F" troop) Which, of course, means, more babies to grow up to become more soldiers.

        So finally adopt a military plan that will keep a marriage pure between a man and a woman, regardless of whether that man and woman want to stay married. (If Lockhorns can make it…) Because if we don't, the gays might win. (Imagine the victory parades) They might get married, and once that happens we'll have to constitutional outlaw marriage. Better to get rid of it than have the wrong people get it. So take this threat seriously. Remember, homosexuals are well organized strategic thinkers who know how to fight and never give up. That's why we also can't have their kind in the military.

        And that's the Word.

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