The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 83

Christopher Noxon

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 29, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Christopher Noxon
Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist Christpher Noxon, author of Rejuvenile.

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Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (1)

    • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Monkey Butter. I don't know what that means, but it sounds filthy and it should be stopped. (Or turned into a website) For years the government has taxed just about anything that feels good. (Like money) Cigarettes, alcohol, gambling, but they missed the biggest sin a largest potential revenue source of all: doin' it. (More buck for you bang) We all know there's way too much sex going on in America. (One a year for birthday plenty) Too much sex not as God intended. I'm talking pre-marital sex, gay sex, sex with the lights on. It's disgusting (If you do it right) and it's destroying our society's moral fabric. (Latex) It is time to slap a sin tax on sex! (Slap it!) Here's how it works: every time you, you know, (I do) Uncle Sam gets a piece of the action. The size of this tax will be inversely proportional to both the level of sexual deviance and your level of commitment to your partner. For example: a married couple, in the missionary position for the express purpose of creating children, that costs nothing. (Get what you pay for) Now an unmarried, but dating couple doing something freaky, I don't know, lady on top, that will cost you about a hundred bucks. (Cheaper than dinner and a movie) Now two drunk strangers, hanging from a fluorescent light in the bathroom of a Hardees, that will cost you a thousand dollars. (Plus $5.49 for the Monster Thickburger) What better way to encourage marriage. Now you might ask how will the government even know I'm having sex? (They like to watch) Well thanks to advances in nanotechnology, they can monitor behavior by injecting a microchip directly into your…dirty area. (Stephen was pre-med) And it'll recognize when it's near another implanted chip. (Slow dancing counts) Think of it like an E-Z Pass at the sexual tollbooth. (Great Marvin Gaye song) Every time your gate goes up, the toll is automatically subtracted from your checking account. What could be easier? (Driving solo?) No, we'll figure out how to charge that too. With my tax plan we can restore America's moral character while we're making America's budget deficit shrink (Size matters) So, Congress, let's get on it by charging us every time we get it on wrong.

      And that's the Word.

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