The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 102

Chuck Close

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Aug 12, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Chuck Close
Tonight Stephen welcomes artist Chuck Close.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Should there be a mosque near Ground Zero? Beats another American Apparel. And: I check in on the state of our nation's seniors. Are you happy Nana? I'm calling you back. Then my guest is artist Chuck Close. I don't know much about art, but I know what I like: not art. Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Bad luck for you, I don't do shows on Fridays. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Fortunately there's a way to stop this threat, and it's to tonight's Word: Weapon of Mass Construction. Folks, there seems to be an obvious solution here.

        [Video: Pundit: They can move the mosque somewhere else, we're not saying don't build the mosque, we're just saying it's inappropriate.
        Sarah Palin: Build the mosque, but down the road. Build it somewhere else.]

        Stephen: Yeah! Build it somewhere else. Just not California, Wisconsin or Murfreesboro, Tennessee where protesters opposed the building of another mosque. That will show both of the Muslims who live there. In fact, I agree with Brian Fisher of the American Family Association who blogged where angels fear to tweet, saying: "Permits should not be granted to build even one more mosque in the United States of America." Exactly! Every permit granted to a mosque is one denied to an American house of worship. (The mall) Now if Muslims really, really need to get together, why don't they get together someplace we can't see them? Say a camp or a compound out in the wilderness. (I think Ted Nugent runs one) That way we won't know what they're doing so we can't possibly be harmed by it. (Worked with the banks)

        Now I hear some of these places are very nice. You can get in excellent shape and even learn circus tricks. But getting rid of mosques might not be enough to keep us safe. America is threatened by a variety of buildings. (Washington Monument makes us feel inadequate) For instance: Did you know Timothy McVeigh used a barn. (Old McDonald still at large) So obviously, no barns anymore. The Unabomber Ted Kaczynski lived in a shack, so lets get rid of shacks, and just to be safe, let's get rid of Shaq. After all, I think I've seen him in a turban. And to those who say America was founded by people fleeing persecution due to the unpopularity of their faiths, and that's why the 1st Amendment begins with the guaranteeing the free exercise of religion, even and especially and unpopular religion. Well I say that just might make the founding fathers terrorists. (I hear Ben Franklin got 72 virgins) So to be safe, we gotta tear down Independence Hall. (Weapon of mass construction)

        And that's the Word.

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