The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 53

Coach Mike Krzyzewski

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 21, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Tonight Stephen talks with Duke University men's basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski.

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    • QUOTES (3)

      • Stephen: Tonight: President Obama releases CIA torture memos. It's like the greatest hits of our greatest hits. And my guest is Mike Krzyzewski, coach of the Duke Blue Devils. Might have made the Final Four if it was the Blue Jesus'. For NHL playoff highlights and scores, move to Canada. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Well that's it for the Report everybody. Oh, if you recorded tonight's show and burned it onto a DVD, here's my special DVD commentary: Stop stealing my show.

      • Stephen: So who really is responsible? That question brings us to tonight's Word: Stressed Position. Now folks, right off the bean I want to make it clear that just because I support punishment for torturing, that doesn't mean I'm against torturing murderers like Khalid Sheikh Muhammad. Men like him are guilty of unspeakable crimes like 9/11 and wearing a plunging neckline without waxing. Now today, President Obama made it clear who can't be held responsible, the CIA agents who carried out the enhanced interrogations.

        [Video: President Obama: The…memos that were released, reflected in my view, us losing our moral bearings. That's why I've discontinued those enhanced interrogation programs. For those who carried out some of these operations within the four corners of legal opinions or guidance that had been provided from the White House, I do not think that it's appropriate for them to be prosecuted.]

        Stephen: Wow. Took him a while to get that out. The good news? My soufflé is done. Oh, that is piping hot, I'm going to put this on the chest of someone strapped to a board. The CIA agents were just following orders. ("When a problem comes along, you must whip it.") Now, true, since the Nuremburg Trials, "following orders" has not been an acceptable defense, but maybe that's because no one's tried it. It's like shoulder pads, maybe they're coming back. And we can't blame the brilliant legal minds who approved the torture, lawyers like John Hu, Jay Bybee and Federal Circuit Court judge Ming the Merciless. Now Spain is considering prosecuting those guys, but the Spanish Attorney General himself opposes the move because "…the men were not present…" when the torture took place. Gracias amigo. It's like if you make love to a woman and nine months later she gives birth, but you're not in the delivery room, you're not the father. Now, if we're not punishing people who approved of this torture, we can't really punish any Americans because we all basically approved the torture when we re-elected President Bush. Now sure, it was secret, but we had some hints.

        [Video: President Bush: campaign commercial: I will never relent in defending America whatever it takes.]

        Stephen: And if whatever it takes wasn't clear enough, Cheney held his town hall meetings in a confinement box full of wasps. (One of his many forms) So let's review: whoever we punish for these acts of torture had to be present, but they can't be the one who did the torture, can't be the ones who approved the torture and can't be Americans. (Where's that birth certificate, Obama?) That means that the only guys left to punish for the torture are the guys we tortured. (He who felt it, dealt it) We will have our justice without making any of the good guys pay the price. (Enhanced self-justification technique) And then we can put this sad chapter behind us. Because in the War on Terror, we've learned a lot, (Torture=Bad, Torturers=Good) like sometimes you have to do terrible things to get the information you need, (The end justifies the screams) and if there is one valuable piece of information that we have recently learned, it's that there are times we can torture with no repercussions. (Stressed position)

        And that's the Word.

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