The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 137

Col. Lawrence Wilkerson

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Oct 31, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Col. Lawrence Wilkerson
Tonight Stephen welcomes the former chief of staff to Colin Powell, Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson.
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Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (8)

    • Stephen: element has been missing and it's tonight's Word: Job Description. There are I believe sixty three other candidates running for President and we've heard a lot about their positions on immigration, health care, who can say 9/11 five times fast with crackers in his mouth. But there's one thing we haven't learned, exactly what job are they all applying for? (Hillary's V.P.) Because let's face it, just saying I want to be President is a pretty cagey answer these days. (Fred Thompson still hasn't said it) By that, do they mean the Chief Executive as defined by the Constitution or are we talking about George Bush's job? (International burnt effigy model) I mean, that is the job, Bush has got a job with some balls. A job where you can tell the Congress and the U.S. Supreme Court to open wide for a Texas teabagging. (Also used at Gitmo) Some candidates seem to be gunning for the old job like Edwards.

      [Video: John Edwards: The ongoing war in Iraq, Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, spying on Americans, torture, none of those things are okay. They are not the United States of America.]

      Stephen: Oh come on grandpa. Get off my lawn! Now other candidates are clearly applying for the new job, like Romney.

      [Video: Mitt Romney: And I hear from time to time, hey wait a second, we have civil liberties we have to worry about. But don't forget, the most important civil liberty I expect from my government is my right to be kept alive.]

      Stephen: That speech will play great in New Hampshire, what with their state motto: Live free or do whatever it takes so I don't die. Now true, the Founding Fathers limited Presidential power with what they called checks and balances. (Must have been the hemp talking) But the theory was that if you had three equal branches of government they'd be busy fighting amongst themselves to oppress the people. (Not counting slaves) But checks and balances are great in theory, even Lincoln said the Constitution is not a suicide pact. (Except for 2nd Amendment) In a time of extraordinary danger, executive power must be extraordinary. (Cheney can start fires with his mind) So tonight folks, I would like to be the first candidate to make my position clear. I am not running for President, I am running for President Bush. (Job description) Why? Because I believe in freedom and I would be crazy to let anybody else have that kind of power over me.

      And that's the Word.

    • Colbert: Shows picture of Stephen holding check and filing form There I am, holding a notarized filing form with a signed personal check for $2,500 to the South Carolina Democratic Party. Money well wasted. Then, folks, it was time to sign the $35,000 check required by the Republican Party. Shows a black screen with the words "photo not available" That's right ladies and gentlemen. I am officially announcing that I am not willing to write a $35,000 check to the Republican Party. Oh, I wish, I wish I could but I can't spend more than $5,000 on my whole campaign or all sorts of stupid federal election laws suddenly apply to me. And second of all, $35,000 guys! I understand you have to keep a club exclusive but I spent less on my black market liver.

    • Stephen: I have long said that lobsters are the monkeys of the sea. For one thing, they both taste great dipped in drawn butter.

    • Stephen: I know I'm not the first one to say this but let's invade Poland!

    • Stephen: America is in a middle of a presedential election so, of course, other little countries are holding elections too. It's adorable.

    • Stephen: You know what I call trick or treaters? Pre-hobos!

    • Stephen: I believe that costumes are lies that you wear.

    • Stephen: My guest Col. Lawrence Wilkerson says the administeration bungled the Iraq war. You know what they say, if at first you don't succeed, invade Iran.

  • NOTES (0)


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